How are you pretending not to be middle-aged?

NO ONE can avoid getting older, but you can pretend to be 25 when you’re in your mid-40s and beyond. So which desperate, embarrassing measures are you opting for?

Being obsessed with the latest music

Unfortunately getting into new music involves listening to a lot of shit. Ask yourself: ‘Is it really worth listening to this crap Mexican hip-hop band or should I just buy a zip-up cardigan and accept I am quite old?’

Refusing to accept your reduced partying abilities

By all means keep going on mad drinking sprees, but realise you’ll have to lie about the effects. So when you say “Actually I was pretty OK the next day” what you really mean is “I couldn’t leave the house on Saturday due to the vomiting and alcohol paranoia giving me a morbid fear of the outside world”.

Constantly seeking out ‘young things’ that aren’t

This involves finding interests that seem young and trendy but really aren’t, eg. manga, gaming or Stormzy. Can lead to deep disappointment as you go on Snapchat only to find your dad sharing pictures of his sprouts.

Dressing ‘too young’

Luckily there are many signs you may be dressing ‘too young’. People might ask if you are going to a fancy dress party as a hooker or, if male, a member of One Direction. Alternatively you may find yourself being rushed to A&E to have your skinny jeans cut off before your legs wither and die.

Doing a sport that’s more mental than anything you would have done aged 20

Ultramarathons, kick boxing, Tough Mudding – these are all good sports to prove how youthful and dynamic you are. Sadly hearing about them is extremely tedious, which cancels out any kudos you got in the first place.

Denying yourself middle-aged pleasures

Once middle-aged you no longer have to feel square for not going to shitty clubs, staying in on Friday or enjoying a good documentary about the Wehrmacht. This more than compensates for being less attractive, knackered all the time and significantly closer to death.

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Mum reckons she’ll have done a good job as long as kids don’t grow up to be twats

A WOMAN does not think her children are destined for greatness and will just be glad if they are not twats.

Helen Archer, 37, is doing her best to raise Sarah and Jamie to be nothing more than vaguely pleasant, well-rounded individuals rather than self-obsessed nightmares with a sense of entitlement and an opinion about absolutely everything.

Archer said: “The responsibility of producing new human beings and then making sure they don’t eat the dishwasher tablets or give themselves a hair cut is big enough.

“Is there really any point in encouraging them to become doctors if they then go around thinking they’re god almighty because they know what the pancreas does?

“I guess they could do sport as long as they don’t become horribly competitive and see sport as a ‘metaphor for life’, like some total bellend.

“And sure, it might be nice if they go to university, but universities do have a fairly high proportion of twats. So they could go in as non-twats but graduate as absolutely dreadful twats.

“It’s a constant challenge, but if you want a twat-free world then nothing is more important.”