How much are you willing to pay to get pissed?

IT’S the debate that divides Britain: do you shell out £40 for a bottle of Grey Goose when Glen’s Vodka is £9.48 a litre? If so, why?

Ryan Whittaker, 29, glazier

“I’ve recently had a pay rise so I’ve switched from eight Stellas on a Friday night to eight bottles of posh craft lager, for example Camden Hells. The first three taste different, then you’re pissed and you can’t tell the difference. Still, I feel I owe it to myself to improve as a person.”

Roy Hobbs, 59, delivery driver

“Alcohol is drunk to get inebriated. Anyone who pretends otherwise is lying to themselves, and worse, misleading impressionable teenagers. So I buy a litre of V-Kat Dry Schnapps from Tesco and swig it from the bottle while staring dead-eyed at the telly, and you’re no better than me.”

Tom Booker, 46, technical writer

“The wife and I keep a fully-stocked cabinet, a library if you will, of different spirits ranging from 18-year-aged bourbons to small-batch gins, exotic rums and artisanal vodkas. It’s expensive, but makes getting smashed every night seem like we’re selective connoisseurs instead of sophisticated alcoholics.”

Sophie Rodriguez, 19, nail artist

“I operate a two-tier system: own-brand supermarket booze for the pre-drinks, then expensive cocktails on the night out. It’s budget-conscious and acknowledges the eternal truth that there’s no point spending loads of money if nobody can see you.”

Susan Traherne, 37, charity fundraiser

“As a mother-of-two in a four-bedroom semi-detached, I feel I have a duty to buy vodka respectably. Absolut, Finlandia, sometimes even a bottle of Ketel One for my Saturday treat. Grey Goose? F**k that. You could get two weekends’ worth for the price of that bastard.”

Julian Cook, 49, solicitor

“I find that my tastes have changed with age: as a 16-year-old I loved a bottle of Diamond White, in my 20s I preferred Gordon’s, in my 30s I switched to Bombay Sapphire, and now I sip a single malt with water. Because, you see, as your brain ages the hangovers from the cheap shit are unsurvivable.”

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Desperate man extends Tinder radius to 1,000 miles

A SINGLE man desperate for romance and/or a shag has expanded his Tinder profile’s radius to 1,000 miles.

Tom Booker has failed to match with any women in his immediate vicinity since downloading Tinder, so he has increased his profile’s search distance area to encompass most of western Europe and a sizeable chunk of the Atlantic ocean.

Booker said: “I’ve been using Tinder for years now and I haven’t had any interest. Maybe my profile picture having mock sex with a sheep and bio description of ‘banter king’ was too intimidatingly attractive for all the chicks.

“There probably aren’t many single women looking for a good time in London anyway, so I’ve cast my net wider to see if anyone in France or Iceland is up for it. Now that travel’s opening up again I can’t see how this will be a problem.

“I could spend an evening in Berlin taking some fraulein out to the pictures, before zipping over to Spain for a meal with an eligible señorita. That’s if I don’t seduce an air stewardess on the way and join the mile high club.

“Should be careful though. Once word spreads across the continent that I’m on the market I’ll probably become a notorious Casanova like that Italian bloke who shagged his way around Europe.”

After staring at his phone non-stop for 12 hours Booker said: “Nothing yet.”