SICK and bloody tired of doing the right thing? Just want to get to work in comfort? Here’s how to not even see that pregnant lady right in your sightline:
Pretend to sleep
All the obliviousness of actual sleep but no dribbling, having your bag nicked, or missing your stop. Puts you firmly in the right: how could anyone, morning sickness or not, oust you from your seat when you are clearly so defiantly exhausted? Her who’s about to drop should be ashamed.
Pretend to read
Keeping laser-fixed on your phone works fine, but an impressive paperback is even more foolproof. Nobody, whether their waters are about to break or not, will dare to interrupt a freak reading Infinite Jest at 7am. They don’t know you’re staring blankly while you blast a sneaky podcast.
Pretend it’s not true
You can’t be sure whether the woman is pregnant or just overweight in an unusually concentrated way. Offering up your seat would be fat-shaming. So what if she looks like she’s just swallowed a watermelon and is clutching a book about hypnobirthing: you don’t want to embarrass her.
Pretend you’re pregnant
You have zero responsibility to look around thoughtfully if you’re up the duff yourself. So get a ‘Baby on Board’ badge and hope none of your fellow commuters think to count the months. It could conceivably be ironic. They don’t know.
Pretend you’re a hero
Or actively scour the carriage for any sign of poor, vulnerable, pregnant women, then rush to their rescue even if they don’t appear to welcome it. Ideal if you don’t have a seat yourself so you can shame others into giving up theirs. What a good person you are.