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How OnlyFans works, in the mind of an extremely naive girlfriend

INTRIGUED by all those making an easy living from OnlyFans? Here painfully naive girlfriend Nikki Hollis explains why she’s considering giving it a go: 

It’s mainly just, like, chatting

I’ve not been on OnlyFans but it’s not all nudity. Men would get bored with that. A lot of it is just talking to them and they send me ideas for things I could do, like making a recipe. But Dan, my boyfriend, keeps saying it will ‘just be loads of blokes wanking over you’. That’s how his mind works unfortunately.

The money is amazing

Loads of not-famous and not-even-that-hot girls are getting three grand a month from OnlyFans, just for doing a couple of hours on the laptop every evening. Naturally Dan has to be a naysayer. ‘Don’t most people make, like, 100 dollars a month, so it’s barely worth it?’ he said. Do I detect a note of jealousy?

I can’t wait to talk about my interests

There’s no danger of running short of content, because I’ve got tons to tell my new friends on OnlyFans about. My cat Pickle, this show I’m binging, what Leanne at work’s wrong about, my mum’s crocheting, all kinds. Dan’s hardly interested, but all the other men will be.

I don’t mind looking sexy

It’s mainly men who subscribe to OnlyFans, so being an attractive woman helps. I don’t have a problem with that – it’s only like being Sabrina Carpenter or Addison Rae -– but Dan seems to think I’ll need to be in lingerie ‘just for starters’. He’s such a perv. If they want me to look sexy I’ll wear that nice top from Asos that shows off my bust.

I know some of them masturbate, I’m not stupid

Dan keeps going on about them wanking. He’s obsessed. I am aware there are creepy men out there who misuse videos women have innocently posted on the internet, thank you. It’s disgusting and if anyone starts making sexual comments on my OnlyFans I’ll report them to the moderators and have them banned.

There’s no way people have sex with their fans

Dan, who I’m getting quite worried about, is convinced some creators have sex with their fans. I can’t believe that. A big internet business like OnlyFans would never allow actual prostitution that dodges legal repercussions because it’s new and online. Honestly, where does he get these ideas? I pity him for being so cynical.

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Were men this weird pre-internet, ask women

MILLENNIAL women are asking their elders if men were this peculiar before the online era or if the internet is to blame. 

Women are seeking to pin down whether males of the species were decent and normal, as opposed to profoundly batshit with bizarrely niche sexual tastes, in the years before wifi or if it has only exposed already-existing tendencies.

Joanna Kramer, woman, said: “My date last weekend was late because he’d been watching a livestream of a guy building a cabin using only cans of soup.

“He then spent 20 minutes arguing that medieval peasants had superior gut health because their diet had dung in it, and kept excusing himself to contribute to a subreddit about pigeons being government drones. I’m 32, I want to have a baby with someone.”

Elle Shaw agreed: “Did men of the early 90s want to have it off with stepsisters they don’t have? Is it a fantasy because it’s in porn or the other way around? Which came first?

“I find it hard to believe that the average 1986 man, using only a Yellow Pages and a landline, would have found that his idea of good sex was being pegged while dressed as Heidi. But today that seems to be the baseline.

“Giving the internet to men was like feeding a mogwai after midnight, is my conclusion. It’s turned them all into f**king freaks.”

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “The Internet helps alleviate the male loneliness epidemic. However, it is also the leading contributing factor.”

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