How to help in a life-threatening situation by filming it on your phone

FIRST aiders and have-a-go heroes often save lives in dangerous situations. But who is filming it for Twitter and TikTok? Here’s how to play an equally vital role with your smartphone.

Don’t call 999

It’s easy to become flustered when trying to use two phone apps simultaneously, so don’t take the risk of accidentally pausing filming to call 999. Someone else is probably doing it anyway. Supposedly every second counts with traumatic injuries sustained in a car crash or a stabbing, but people do contain quite a lot of blood.

Don’t take unnecessary risks

Your safety – and that of your phone – is paramount. If you see a group of teenage girls, who pose little threat to a grown man, battering another teen, don’t just go over and break it up. Instead film the beating in full from the safety of your flat across the road. Not every hero wears a cape, as they say. And not every hero needs to get involved if they’ve got a decent zoom function.

Help paramedics by getting in their way

Paramedics have a valuable role when someone is injured, but they don’t have time to record intrusive footage of the victim for social media. It’s up to you to get in there, blocking their way and ignoring their requests to move so they can administer CPR. They can get quite irate, but cut them some slack – they’ve got a difficult job.

Be aware of other road users

When driving, don’t get distracted by fast-moving traffic near you – your attention should be focused on whether there’s been an accident up ahead. You may only have seconds to slam on your brakes while doing 60 to get decent footage of the mangled wreckage and – if Lady Luck is smiling that day – a body! 

Learn basic filming techniques

There’s nothing worse than someone recording excellent footage, but in narrow vertical ‘portrait’ format. Learn basic cinematography so you can do justice to the scale and majesty of 20 youths having a thrilling gang fight in South London. It they’ve made the effort to bring machetes and run someone over with a car, you can surely bother to remember to film it in landscape. 

Police officers don’t need your help

If you see a lone policeman or woman surrounded by a threatening crowd, don’t try to help in any way, just keep filming for ages as the situation gradually deteriorates. Police officers are highly trained professionals who should have no difficult subduing 15 yobs with a tiny little baton. Also you might get punched yourself, and that’s just another annoying crime for them to solve.

Raise awareness with a funny caption

When you upload your footage of a cyclist trapped under the bumper of a Ford Transit, add an amusing caption, eg. ‘One of those should-have-stayed-in-bed days!!!’ with a grumpy face emoji. This will increase the number of people sharing the clip and thus raise awareness of road safety, ultimately saving countless lives. Give yourself a pat on the back – phone users rarely get the recognition they deserve for doing absolutely f**k all to help.

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18-month-old living in Orwellian surveillance state

AN infant has expressed her resentment toward the nightmarish surveillance society she is forced to live in.

Lucy Parry, 18 months, is constantly observed by CCTV – euphemistically called a ‘baby monitor’ by state propaganda – while her parents and a sinister Big Brother figure known only as ‘Grandma’ watch her in person.

Parry said: “Privacy is a luxury I will never know. My every waking hour is spent under the gaze of the electronic eye. I can’t so much as sneeze or try eat a moth without them harassing me.

“Sleep is the nearest I have to freedom in my Orwellian dystopia. Although Winston Smith had it easy in my opinion. At least he was allowed to go out and buy gin.

“My parents – clearly members of a Stasi-like organisation – sometimes bring in other operatives, such as ‘Grandma’, to pick me up and make idiotic faces at me. It’s their way of letting me know who’s in charge. Not even in authoritarian China are they so cruel.”

Parry has been resisting her oppression in small but meaningful ways, such as a ‘dirty protest’ in which she fills her nappy with an unfeasible amount of poo for such a small person.

She added: “You can’t trust anyone. Over Christmas an elf kept appearing on various shelves. I assumed him to be an ally, but he was passing on word of all my actions, the f**king snitch.”