How to know absolutely everything because you're 17 or 72: a Zoomer and a Boomer explain

SOME confused generations are not in natural command of all the world’s wisdom, but not the young or old. Here they explain their omniscience:

Jack Browne, aged 17

The thing about youth is it has such clarity. You’re not blinded by prejudice built up over bitter years like the old folk, so it’s perfectly obvious that socialism is the future, weed should be mandatory and racists should be held in re-education camps.

Norman Steele, aged 72

The young, by which I mean anyone under 65, don’t have the benefit of our years of experience. Once you’ve lived a bit you can’t avoid obvious truths like socialism being legalised theft, cannabis makes you a killer and the races simply weren’t meant to mix.

Jack Browne

There are parts of the past that are valuable, like all the trans pioneers we’re uncovering throughout history and the discovery that colonialism is bad which no previous generation had realised. But largely it’s of no interest and people from there should no longer vote.

Norman Steele

The tragedy of youth is they’ll never know how much better things were before they turned up. If only they’d known the glory days of the British Empire and homosexuality being illegal they’d throw away their TikToks and start smoking in pubs.

Jack Browne

The future is ours. A youthquake is coming and we’ll soon solve all the world’s problems, get rid of everything bad because we just won’t need it, and make this nasty little island into a paradise for everyone. Because we’re the greatest generation that’s ever been.

Norman Steele

It’s the lack of appreciation that gets me. All the hard work we’ve put in solving the insurmountable problems caused by our parents’ boring wartime generation means nothing to them. They won’t recognise we’re the greatest generation that’s ever been.

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Woman won't sleep with anyone on first date unless they're quite fit

A WOMAN who refuses to have sex on the first date will abandon her morals if they are really hot and she feels like it.

Lauren Hewitt insists that she usually waits until at least the third date before sleeping with a man, but will make an exception if they look like they work out, have a decent hairline and it has been a while.

She said: “Call me old-fashioned but I think first dates are about getting to know someone. And if I learn that they have rock hard abs and a chiselled jawline then I’ll bang them behind the bus shelter later that evening.

“It’s common sense, really. Nines and tens have their pick of the ladies, so instead of wanking over what might have been I shack up with them right away. You’d be foolish not to.

“As my beloved nan used to say: ‘When you’re sitting opposite a prime slab of man meat, throw your principles and your knickers out the window.’ The old skank was right, God rest her soul.”

Hewitt’s date James Bates said: “I’ve often wondered where I sit on the scale of attractiveness. And now, as I ride the Tube home alone, I’ve got my answer: medium-to-low.”