Why you wouldn't shag Natasha Romanoff and other conversation topics that are only acceptable in the pub

THE UK might be a country of free speech, but some conversation topics are better off confined to the pub. Including these.

Why you wouldn’t shag Natasha Romanoff

So what if she’s a super sexy spy played by Scarlett Johansson in a seductive catsuit? That means nothing to you. And over the course of the next six pints you’re going to explain why with reference to obscure details of the Marvel cinematic universe. In real life this would get you ostracised, in the pub your friends will be enthralled.

How Hitler could have won if he didn’t declare war on America

Just like any internet comment section, it’s only a matter of time until pub chat gets round to discussing Hitler. In the safe confines of a bar, people will bring up how the Fuhrer could have triumphed if he didn’t declare war on America after Pearl Harbor or if he concentrated on bombing England’s airfields instead of London. Him losing was a good thing though, remember?

The amount of time you’d be able to survive on a diet of Twix bars

You could probably live on a dozen a day without contracting diabetes. And they sell them in big boxes at wholesale prices that are very affordable. After running some quick numbers you estimate that you could probably subsist on Twixes alone for 12 years without sustaining financial losses. But what about drinks? Could you live on Tizer? Figure it out with another round of pointless chat.

Batman vs Jaws: who would win in a fight?

Jaws is a f**k off big shark that scared a community shitless, but Batman has a supply of Bat Shark Repellent. If the fight were taking place on land then your money would be on the Dark Knight, but in water Jaws will definitely come out on top. Outer space though is a whole different matter. It will never happen in any movie franchise, but you’ll kill an hour talking about it anyway.

Would you rather have tentacles for hands or flippers for feet?

Tedious would-you-rather questions are not strictly confined to the pub, but they should be because you need a steady supply of booze to endure them. Anyway the obvious answer is flippers for feet because how are you meant to eat crisps with tentacles? Although you’d probably trip over them all the time on land… maybe this deserves serious consideration after all.

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All their famous shags: the good stuff every celebrity memoir leaves out

CELEBRITY memoirs are a rare, candid glimpse into their carefully-edited lives. Here are the juicy details they always sadly omit.

The famous shags

A throwaway paragraph about having a crush on Cameron Diaz doesn’t count. It’s hardly scandalous and no sexual intercourse actually took place. What the public really wants is a couple of chapters about which members of the Rolling Stones they bedded, how many times and in which positions. Preferably with accompanying Polaroids as proof.

The failed famous shags

Failed porkings are just as fascinating as successful sexual conquests, maybe even more so because it’s hilarious to imagine beautiful movie stars getting shot down. As a matter of public interest, celebrity memoirs should go into excruciating detail about which cheesy pick-up lines failed to work and which famous people turned them down.

How rich their parents are

Every celebrity memoir reads like a rags to riches miracle where the hero goes from an awkward teen to making their breakthrough film in a matter of pages. For the sake of transparency, there should be a family tree near the front which details their parents’ net worth and industry connections. Saves you looking it up on Wikipedia later.

The crimes

Celebrities obviously don’t want their life story to be used as evidence against them in a court of law, but there’s no way someone becomes incredibly famous without breaking a few rules. And once you’re a multi-millionaire you’ve at least paid a few speeding fines because they’re a trivial penalty. Even a succinct, bullet point list of historical charges would be enough.

The fights

Celebrities aren’t as perfect as their teeth suggest. They’ve made enemies in their time and words like ‘feud’ and ‘competitive relationship’ don’t do these interactions justice. Tell-all memoirs should be obliged to live up to their name by sharing tales of who beat the living shit out of whom and which celebrity came out on top.

The first draft

Who wouldn’t want to read the raw copy before ghostwriters, editors and legal experts rewrite it from the ground up? The people deserve to see a footballer’s honest first attempt at scrawling down their life story, complete with misspelled words and childlike illustrations. So what if it’s embarrassing, their immense fortune will take the edge off the humiliation.