How to survive a weekend away with a group of people who are paid more than you

GOING away this weekend? With people who earn way more than you? Survive the ordeal without losing face or going bankrupt:

Get involved

By helping to organise the weekend you can tame your rich mates’ visions of sipping champagne on the Cote d’Azur and nudge them towards something that’s in your budget like chugging sangria in your local Slug & Lettuce. When they start sharing links to luxury gites on the WhatsApp group, you can suggest a more ‘fun’ alternative like a hostel.

Travel alone 

Your rich mates will think nothing of snapping up first class plane and train tickets, whereas you’re scraping together the money for an economy seat and checking to see if there’s a railcard you can use. By travelling alone you won’t have to put up with them checking on you in standard class while you question every single one of your life choices.

Don’t eat

Wealthy people like to eat out and insist on splitting the bill equally. They won’t notice that you only ate a starter or just drank tap water because the San Pellegrino they ordered costs about a third of your monthly pay packet. You can either take out a bank loan and eat like they do, or fake an illness, stay in the accommodation and stuff your face on the Mr Kipling pies you packed in your hand luggage. Choose wisely.

Beware of joint gifts

If the trip is for one of your rich mates’ birthdays, don’t agree to chip in for a joint gift. Flush bastards expect flash presents like a car or a conservatory or a vineyard, meanwhile you could just about stretch to a round of drinks, at a push. Isn’t a two-day holiday abroad enough for these f**kers, what more do they want?

Expect the worst

Lower your expectations then take them down a few more levels. That’s how bad holidaying with rich people will be. Taxis will be casually hailed, boat trips will be booked without a second thought, and spontaneous shopping sprees in designer clothes shops are guaranteed. Don’t expect your mates to bankroll you either, they didn’t get loaded by being generous.

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10 budget alternatives for your weekly shop and why you'll only buy them once

BUDGET ranges sound like an excellent option in an economic crisis. Prepare for a rude awakening as you remember why you paid more for the better stuff in the first place.

Cheap loo roll

An extremely dull purchase, so why not economise? No deliberating over two or three-ply, just good old no-nonsense one-ply. This cheap buy will lose its appeal when the pervert paper tears yet again, leaving you fondling your own excrement and laughing in your face.

Instant coffee

Real coffee is understandably more popular now. Go back to instant and be reminded of student all nighters, greasy spoons and the runs. Strictly for retro fans of the Nescafe adverts.

Dodgy chicken shop wings

So cheap you’ll be too excited to care about your free-range ethics. You can get loads for £10 and the gravy and chips meal deal practically makes it a family roast dinner. Then discover it’s mostly bony scraps and sinew, and a purchase so horrible your veggie partner considers leaving.

Knockoff shampoo

Sounds as fancy as the big brands with its eucalyptus, ie. ‘chemical’, scent. Feels like normal shampoo until it completely dries your scalp out. On the plus side, it doubles as hair removal cream.


Why buy bread when you can make it more cheaply by hand? Er, because it’s incredibly hard work for a botched dough that won’t rise. Still, the yeasty odour reminds you to get that infection checked out.

Multivitamin gummies

Fruit is an expensive way to get your vitamins, particularly if it goes off after a day. Or you may have childish tastes and just hate it. These daily treats prevent you from getting scurvy and are basically Haribo approved by your doctor. Until you lose your teeth and do God-knows-what to your digestive system.

Off-licence energy drinks

Well-known energy drinks are bad enough, the ultra-cheap ones with names like ‘Terminal Shock’ are 80 per cent sugar, 19 per cent caffeine and quite possibly things found in medical bins and Petri dishes. Get addicted and you’ll have a lifetime of shakes like an alcoholic, but without the upside of ever feeling pissed.

Plastic bags

A cheap bag does the job and is a perfectly good alternative to proper bin bags. Until it splits and you’re left with foul-smelling garbage – including weird ‘juice’ – all over your kitchen. You’ve not even saved money because you’ve just used about a gallon of disinfectant spray.

No-brand laundry detergent

The lavender smell is weird and the luminous purple slop tinges the white clothes you emptied into the washing machine, which is now broken. You have a slight nagging suspicion this may have been a false economy.

White-label vodka

This pure ethanol will f**k you up for four days and tastes like Brut. You have insult added to forthcoming injury when a kindly shopper gives you some spare change and inquires where you’re sleeping.