Five heartless bastards who are dead against the nurses' strike

NURSES deserve more pay. It’s virtually impossible to argue otherwise. But you’re always going to find people who disagree, like these.

Jeremy Hunt

The chancellor used to be in charge of the NHS, and in both roles he hasn’t exactly helped nurses. A modest pay rise will be off the table, but expect him to make some lame gesture like applauding on the doorstep of Number 11. Yes, nurses can have a 10 per cent rise in claps. Actually it’s probably best not to give him ideas. 

The Daily Mail

Hardly a surprise but it should be mentioned. The hate rag is currently testing the waters by having a go at GP opening hours, and if that goes down well with its rabid readership of gammons, expect them to rip into nurses by the start of next week. It wouldn’t be beneath them to note that cancer patients always end up in hospital, so maybe nurses cause cancer?

Private healthcare investors

Shareholders in private healthcare will boo the nurses while loving the strikes. One step closer to a totally dysfunctional NHS and a private health insurance hellhole like the US. They’re aware that minor ailments will impoverish people and they won’t go the the doctor, but somehow when you’re making loads of money that’s fine. Just ask Michelle Mone. 

Wankers on the internet

A certain section of society hates anyone else getting anything or being happy in any way. They’re psychopaths, just very boring ones. And they’ll be there on internet comments in force, accusing nurses of being ‘ungrateful’, and making beyond-idiotic comments like: ‘When I was working, I wish I’d been lucky enough to get a fancy nurse’s uniform completely free. Scroungers.’

Your nan who needs a hip replacement

Fair enough, really. She’s been waiting years for the operation. Now she’ll have to rearrange the appointment which will be a right faff and pray there aren’t train strikes on that day. On the other hand, if the nurses don’t go on strike, things could end up so bad that nan has to do her own surgery next time.

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1990s back together for reunion tour

AFTER comebacks by Pulp, Blur and the Tory recession, the entire 1990s are returning for a lucrative reunion tour.

The decade once voted the most ‘top’ and ‘sorted’ by Loaded magazine feels it retired too early in the year 2000 and could have lived forever.

The 1990s said: “It’s gonna be top. Brian Cox is going to give up science and reform D:Ream to record a new remix of Things Can Only Get Better which will be every bit as excellent as the new version of Three Lions.

“Rishi Sunak’s going to be replaced as prime minister by John Major. His missus Edwina Currie can be on the cover of FHM. The Cones Hotline is coming back, and Norman Lamont, if he’s not dead. How sorted is that?

“Chris Evans can have his old job back on Radio 1, cracking jokes about Anne Frank like it’s 1996. There’ll be loads of shit gangster films you regret renting on DVD. Peter Mandelson will be hovering on the sidelines like a f**king vampire. It truly was a magical time.

“And there’ll be lager. Loads and loads of lager.”

The decade added: “The sticking point is Oasis. Seems they won’t reform at any price. But Noel can just replace Liam with the singer from Noasis, so that’s already sorted.”