England fans at home seize historic chance to be far more pissed than England fans at game

STAY-AT-HOME England fans are thrilled to grab the once-in-a-lifetime chance to watch the game far more pissed than the fans at the match.

Fans will start drinking from lunchtime, whether at home or at work, in order to be completely hammered by 7pm while the poor bastards watching in the actual stadium are stone cold f**king sober.

Tom Logan of Reading sang: “We’re pissed at home, we’re pissed at home, we are pissed at home.

“This is going to be fantastic. All those years of watching hammered England fans throwing plastic chairs about outside foreign cafes, feeling like I couldn’t match their level of patriotic drunkenness. But now? It’s our turn.

“Watching England take on the Yanks there in Qatar? I pity you. I’ve got more chilled Stella in my fridge than in the whole Al Bayt Stadium, and I’m clearing a can every ten minutes.

“I could say it’s my personal protest against the repressive Qatari regime’s alcohol ban, and I’m drinking in solidarity with those thirsty f**kers out there listening to the England band, but I’m too pissed to lie. This is brilliant.

“If we win I might celebrate by wanking off my brother-in-law. Can’t do that either can you, you sad twats?”

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Coffee shops unveil their f**king psychotic Christmas menus

WITH only a whole month until Christmas, coffee chains have unveiled their traditional ranges of batshit festive food.

The trend – which started with the relatively humble roast turkey sandwich – has now become a yearly phenomenon in which coffee vendors create terrible food combinations that appear to have come to them in a bad dream.

Since early 2022, boffins from Costa and Starbucks have been locked inside test kitchens perfecting inedible dishes such as Boxing Day Leftover Soup and whatever the f**k Brussels Sprout Pesto is.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “We call it ‘The Heston Principle’ because as soon as he did that disgusting Christmas pudding with an orange inside for Waitrose the entire catering profession lost its mind.

“The big coffee chains are already serving turkey and all the trimmings toasties and ‘Christmas mac and cheese’, which I am still struggling to comprehend. 

“If the trend continues expect food crimes like a whole roast turkey in a giant mug, sage and onion stuffing doughnuts with a gravy dipping sauce, and, thanks to breakthroughs in bioengineering, a life-sized gingerbread man who follows you home if you don’t finish him.

“The average Brit wants to bin the wanky oak, soya and almond milks and fill their coffee cup with warm Baileys. Sadly, this is being ignored and we’ll have to drink pigs-in-blankets spiced lattes with Brussels sprouts floating on top.”