How to make the situation worse when a phone signal breaks up, by your parents

YOUR parents have a delicate relationship with modern technology. Here is how they will make a phone call even worse when the signal drops:

Start shouting

Your mum assumes mobile phones work in the same way as cups and string, prompting her to shout to re-establish the connection. With each ‘Can. You. Hear. Me?’ her pronunciation becomes more staccato and formal, resulting in her eventually sounding like Hyacinth Bucket barking over a dockyard PA system.

Press all the buttons

With shouting not working, your mum has handed the phone to your dad who immediately begins pressing every button on the screen. The call will go on speaker, then he’ll attempt to type in digits but forget the number. Finally, the ordeal will finish with your mum cursing at your dad because he’s gone to find his glasses due to the screen being ‘too small and fiddly’.

Take physical action

Your dad was a dab hand at fixing analogue TVs, so giving the phone a good whack should work. This only results in a fierce rebuke from your mum, who will then give the phone a gentle shake by her ear, and whisper ‘Hello?’ as though giving CPR to a mouse. Neither restorative actions work.

Think outside the box

The other end of the phone has descended into chaos. Your dad is convinced the problem is due to ‘gremlins’ and is pointing the phone at the TV aerial on the roof. Your mum is convinced they need to put more credit on ‘before the pips go’, even though the phone is on a monthly contract. Tempers are fraying and the signal has naturally reconnected without your parents noticing.


Your parents are now experiencing full-scale bickering. Your mum is blaming your dad for all his ‘crap in the loft blocking the signal’, but your dad is certain she’s worn it out by ‘nattering about shite’. Mum hits back by telling your dad to change his clothes as the static from his cardigan is clearly the source of interference. You hear him utter ‘rubbish!’ while taking it off just to be sure.

Seek help elsewhere

They’re both in a mood. Your dad storms off to look for the mobile phone manual, while your mum calls your brother on the landline to tell him not to call them on the mobile. After finally finding the one part of the house that has signal, the conversation is cut short as their phone runs out of charge.

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Zombies, and the other few remaining movie monsters yet to be sexualised

FROM vampires to fish people, Hollywood seems determined to sexualise every kind of monster. Only these few have escaped its perverted gaze.


Toho Studio’s most famous creation was originally developed as a chilling metaphor for the atomic bombs dropped on Japan, which is an uphill struggle in terms of sexual attractiveness. Even if you gave it a six-pack or stuck on some tits, nobody’s going to fantasise about shagging it. That’s why the 50-foot woman was created, and she has practical issues.


There are some things audiences are never going to find sexy, and reanimated corpses with their organs hanging out is one of them. Clever directing and sexy make-up can only distract from their hideous, decomposing bodies for so long, plus their lumbering gait and slurred demands for brains indicate that they would be an underwhelming shag anyway.


Considering that Xenomorph designer HR Giger created a load of sexually explicit biomechanical art back in the day, it’s somewhat surprising that Hollywood hasn’t adapted more of his work for the big screen. Xenomorphs however remain difficult to sex up. Among numerous problems, if you’ve ever got your privates caught in a metal zip, you really don’t want to risk it with a creature with acid for blood.


Egyptian history is brimming with raunchy imagery like Cleopatra bathing in donkey milk and Rachel Weisz in The Mummy. However every film adaptation tends to steer clear of sexualising bandage-clad corpses with their organs scooped out. Although if Hollywood wanted to have a go with Scarlett Johansson playing a sexy undead mummy, you wouldn’t stop them.


Saruman’s terrifying foot soldiers were once fit elves like Galadriel, but after being corrupted by Morgoth they became the disgusting creatures you know and fear. Although your girlfriend did go weirdly quiet when Lurtz, the muscular leader of the Uruk-hai, was pulled out of the mud in The Fellowship of the Ring. Wonder why.