Six giveaway signs your partner is only pretending to sleep

IS your partner really asleep, or just pretending in order to avoid confronting reality? If they’re doing these things, they are faking it.

You’re not being pushed to the edge of the bed

A big giveaway when determining whether your partner’s asleep is if you have your own space. If you’re not wide awake, balanced precariously on the edge of the mattress, then he is secretly conscious. Only if you have been pushed onto the floor as they take up all the room are they truly asleep.

You have some of the duvet

If she was really snoozing you’d be uncovered and shivering, desperately tugging at the duvet to unravel the 13-tog Arctic roll that is your partner. But she’s lying on her side, breathing gently with her hair looking great, the lazy cow. You know you’re being seductively told to get up first and make a cup of tea, which of course you will, just don’t let any cold air in.

There’s a lack of noise

Usually when asleep, your partner grunts, snorts and snores like a sty full of randy pigs. The fact that there’s silence can only mean he’s faking sleep so he doesn’t have to get up and close the gap in the curtains. Now you’re locked in a game of chicken. Will you call his bluff, or will you sort what needs to be fixed? The latter, obviously, because it’s less hassle.

The air is fresh

For 16 hours of the day your partner smells like a spring meadow and controls all bodily functions to maintain their fragrant charm. However, when asleep, they lose control and all manner of festering gusts emanate from her liberated digestive system. The fact that the air seems relatively fresh can only mean your partner is awake, and will probably remain so until you fall asleep because there’s a massive one brewing.

He isn’t aroused

Being woken up by a poking sensation in the base of your spine is a regular occurrence, but only happens during sleep as your partner’s far too docile for that to happen at bedtime. Waking up naturally without a morning glory alarm clock going off means he’s probably awake with something on his mind. This is your cue to press the snooze button.

Their pillow is dry

A telltale sign your partner’s awake is that their pillow has no damp patches from drool or sweat. Usually, the second your partner is asleep, they kick off the duvet and begin oozing bodily fluids from all over their face. Give the surrounding area a delicate poke, and if you don’t hear a faint squelching noise then they’re definitely bullshitting.

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A dog, and other elements that would elevate your local from 'shithole' to 'excellent'

MOST pubs are perfectly adequate, but some have added extras that elevate them to another level. Like these:

A dog

A dog in a pub is brilliant, as long as it’s a lovely friendly dog, ideally a Labrador or a golden retriever that’s thrilled to see you and rolls over to have its tummy tickled while you wait at the bar. If a pub has a dog that barks, growls or shits under the tables, you’re in for a terrifying and stressful evening.

A garden

An actual garden, with grass and tables and festoon lighting, not just a square of concrete out the back between the bottle bins where they grudgingly allow you to have a fag. The car park also does not count, even though there’s a massive pothole full of dirty water that the landlord thinks it’s funny to call a pond.

One decent beer on tap

Your local offers Carling, Budweiser and Fosters on tap, none of which you want to force a pint of down your gullet, but it’s a lot cheaper than a 330ml can of the only thing approaching craft beer they have. Just one vaguely pleasant beer on tap would make this shithole 3,000 per cent better, even if it was f**king Heineken.

No twats or psychos

A single psycho and a single twat are necessary in an excellent pub, so that you may compare yourself and feel grateful that you aren’t either. However, any more than one of each will render it a place where asking for a half will get you called a poofter and offered out for a fight in the pub car park puddle.

A brick through the massive telly

The TV in your local is theoretically there to show football, but when the football isn’t on, which is most of the time, they have it tuned to the BBC News channel with the subtitles on. It sucks the atmosphere out of the room, while simultaneously giving the twats and psychos something to make comments about, which are either racist or idiotic. Just get some cans from Tesco and go home.