'Hi' and other basic interactions men read as flirting

MEN live in a barren emotional wasteland devoid of attention and compliments. That’s why they read these interactions as signs of romantic interest.


When said from one man to another, this is nothing more than a curt greeting. But when murmured by a woman working on the cheese counter at Morrisons, blokes often mistake this salutation as an admission of love. At which point they’ll tell her they’ve already got a girlfriend or that things are moving too fast.


This semi-automatic body action predominantly occurs to cleanse and moisten the eye. Although if a woman blinks, a man caught in her gaze will confuse her batting lashes for a coquettish come-on. To avoid sending mixed signals, women should let their eyeballs dry up and crust over until men have left the vicinity.

The briefest of eye contact

Locking eyes with your romantic interest is one of the most tried-and-tested ways to express your amorous feelings. Unfortunately, men do not excel at nuance and believe that the briefest, most fleeting picosecond of eye contact means women want to jump their bones. It doesn’t. It just means they want to make sure men don’t walk into them.

Shaking hands

Handshakes are about as formal and corporate as human interactions can get. This doesn’t stop men from reading too much into them though. After all, they’re making skin-on-skin contact with a woman, which means they’re practically having sex. Why else do you think men try to drag out their enthusiastic hand pumpings for as long as possible?


A wave has two purposes: to greet someone or to bid them farewell. Astute readers will notice that neither involves a secret flirtatious subtext. Despite this, desperate men will misconstrue an innocent wave from a woman as a Siren-like beckoning, and abandon all their senses as they flock to her side. Often only to realise she was waving to someone else.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Five ways to convince yourself the front-facing camera is lying

FIRED up your phone’s front-facing camera only for it to display your face in an unflattering light? Brush off the reality it’s showing you with these lies.

It’s the lens’ fault

Despite knowing nothing about how cameras work, you’re positive that the curve of the lens or its field of vision is to blame for your face’s multiple chins and boss-eyed expression. It’s all to do with the curvature of the image or something. Weirdly the rear-facing camera makes you look shit, too. Manufacturers should really sort out this glaring hardware problem.

The lighting’s bad

No, you do not have a disgusting, gormless face. The problem here is that the light is coming from a weird angle and it’s too intense for the camera to pick up your very subtle beauty. Luckily, fixing this issue is easy. Simply move to a pitch-black location, deactivate the flash, and you’ll instantly look much better.

You’re holding it too close

Everything looks better from far away, especially your solid five out of ten face. Front-facing cameras only make you look bad because they’re often held so close that they can see right up your nose and pick up every peach fuzz hair growing above your top lip. To get better results, always hold your phone at arm’s length and never risk opening the camera app again.

The focus is f**ked

Front-facing cameras won’t focus on anything unless you touch the screen, meaning the many facets of your otherwise attractive face cancel each other out. And while this is definitely true, don’t put it to the test by honing in on your dazzling eyes or radiant smile. You’ll have to make up another lie about why being in focus is actually a bad thing as well.

You don’t normally look like that

Of course you don’t. You look absolutely stunning according to your imagination and your lying friends. Highly-advanced front-facing cameras just have a defect that only becomes apparent when they’re pointed at your face, that’s all. It’s a similar issue that crops up whenever you’re snapped by other people, whether that’s digitally or on film. One day technology will catch up with your good looks, but not today.