10 new bullshit health tips that are basically old bullshit health tips

THE wellness industry loves to rehash the same tired advice every few years to flog a book. Here ‘health expert’ Nathan Muir reveals the latest old tips for you to follow.

Do some exercise

Not proper exercise like going for a run or doing a plank. No. I’m talking new bullshit exercises like kickboxing on the beach at night or rock climbing blindfolded. These contain loads of secret benefits but also make everyone rightfully hate you.

Eat a magic superfood

Pomegranates have had their time in the sun. Hemp seeds are old hat. Instead you need to regularly feast on a new superfood that has been approved by a committee of twats. We’re thinking dragon fruit or black radishes, whichever can make us the most money.

Give up sugar

Did you know sugar is actually really bad for you? Simply cut out this pesky ingredient which is in every single food from Mini Twirls to apples and you’ll feel healthier and malnourished in no time.

Get lots of sleep

It’s a little-known fact that eight hours of sleep works wonders for your body. But for the sake of repackaging this wellness secret, I recommend splitting it into two four-hour blocks and going for a quick run in between. That’s bound to be much better for you, probably, maybe.

Control your portions

Remarkably, research has shown that stuffing your face with cakes is fine so long as it’s only a small part of an overall balanced diet. The key to being healthy is to reduce the amount of everything that makes life worth living until you yearn for the sweet release of death.

Socialise with friends

Want to boost your mood as well as your body? The radical concept of ‘hanging out with friends’ is a great way to do this. That’s unless you all secretly hate each other, which you probably do, in which case you should become a friendless recluse. Oh, you’re already doing that? Well done!

Have lots of sex

Sex reduces stress in the body and produces the bonding hormone oxytocin, unless your partner has got morning breath in which case you’ll be repulsed. Play it safe by hooking up with the one person who’s guaranteed to make you come: yourself.

Do an overnight fast

Rather than stuffing oily, salty snacks into your mouth at midnight, try a strange new concept called ‘not eating Doritos in bed’. People from Japan and Italy are already doing this, and they live way longer than everyone else so it must work.

Breathe deeply

There are many benefits to breathing, such as oxygenating your blood and stopping you from dying. Therefore big gulps of air are bound to make you feel even more healthy than people who make standard-size inhalations. Or it’ll make you feel bloated. One of the two.

Drink weird powder

Concerned that everything on this list requires effort and action? Don’t panic. Simply order my special micro-nutrient health powder which works wonders for your gut. It’s available from my website now at just £98.99 per gram!

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Australian, Irish, Vulcan: Nationalities Americans will assume you are before guessing 'English'

WE have deep historical and emotional ties to our American cousins. But the dumb Yanks find it inexplicably difficult to place your pretty-obvious accent. Here are their first six shit guesses.


The American’s go-to guess for some reason. They could be sat in a village pub in Shropshire eating fish and chips with a pint of bitter and Liverpool vs Everton on the big screen and they’ll still assume everyone in the place is from Bondi Beach. What’s going on in their f**king heads? Do they think that Jack Russell is a koala?


Next up: Irish. These plastic Paddies have always wanted to visit Ireland, the land of their ancestors, because their great, great, great grandparents came from Dublin. They think. Or was it Belfast? No matter, they’ve got the surname Murphy and automatically assume anyone who’s seen Braveheart is close family. Bless. 


Yes, the famous nation of London. Their geography is as bad as you’d expect, however much the poncy sort of Londoner thinks London is Britain and the regions are basically a big farm to provide them with food. Frankly Britain has only got itself to blame for this. Did we really expect to give them films like Mary Poppins and Notting Hill and not expect any blowback?


They’re really struggling now. When you tell them we use the word ‘pavement’ not ‘sidewalk’ and ‘aubergine’ not ‘eggplant’, and pronounce ‘aluminium’ correctly, they’ll assume you’re from an exotic, far-off land. Unfortunately their Earth geography is so shit they don’t know the name of any. So it’s obviously Vulcan. Freak them out by doing the hand greeting while enthusiastically saying ‘Live long and prosper!’

New York

Clutching at straws time. This idiotic suggestion only comes up because the average passport-dodging, deer-munching hick from rural Idaho thinks New York is another nation. They’ve seen the Big Apple in films and assume we hail from Manhattan even though we’re talking to them in a Tesco Metro in Crawley. Look, there’s Woody Allen buying a ready meal.

The next country they can think of

This could be anything, they’re just delighted to not look ignorant. It might be France because they saw it on Emily in Paris. Or Iraq because they killed the bad guy dictator Binsama there. Or even the tiny island of Aruba (a friend went on holiday). Put them out of their misery and reveal you’re from Leeds in England, which is part of Britain. Then realise this is just hideously complicating the situation and go back to Australian. Anyone for surfing, Toadfish?