THE wellness industry loves to rehash the same tired advice every few years to flog a book. Here ‘health expert’ Nathan Muir reveals the latest old tips for you to follow.
Do some exercise
Not proper exercise like going for a run or doing a plank. No. I’m talking new bullshit exercises like kickboxing on the beach at night or rock climbing blindfolded. These contain loads of secret benefits but also make everyone rightfully hate you.
Eat a magic superfood
Pomegranates have had their time in the sun. Hemp seeds are old hat. Instead you need to regularly feast on a new superfood that has been approved by a committee of twats. We’re thinking dragon fruit or black radishes, whichever can make us the most money.
Give up sugar
Did you know sugar is actually really bad for you? Simply cut out this pesky ingredient which is in every single food from Mini Twirls to apples and you’ll feel healthier and malnourished in no time.
Get lots of sleep
It’s a little-known fact that eight hours of sleep works wonders for your body. But for the sake of repackaging this wellness secret, I recommend splitting it into two four-hour blocks and going for a quick run in between. That’s bound to be much better for you, probably, maybe.
Control your portions
Remarkably, research has shown that stuffing your face with cakes is fine so long as it’s only a small part of an overall balanced diet. The key to being healthy is to reduce the amount of everything that makes life worth living until you yearn for the sweet release of death.
Socialise with friends
Want to boost your mood as well as your body? The radical concept of ‘hanging out with friends’ is a great way to do this. That’s unless you all secretly hate each other, which you probably do, in which case you should become a friendless recluse. Oh, you’re already doing that? Well done!
Have lots of sex
Sex reduces stress in the body and produces the bonding hormone oxytocin, unless your partner has got morning breath in which case you’ll be repulsed. Play it safe by hooking up with the one person who’s guaranteed to make you come: yourself.
Do an overnight fast
Rather than stuffing oily, salty snacks into your mouth at midnight, try a strange new concept called ‘not eating Doritos in bed’. People from Japan and Italy are already doing this, and they live way longer than everyone else so it must work.
Breathe deeply
There are many benefits to breathing, such as oxygenating your blood and stopping you from dying. Therefore big gulps of air are bound to make you feel even more healthy than people who make standard-size inhalations. Or it’ll make you feel bloated. One of the two.
Drink weird powder
Concerned that everything on this list requires effort and action? Don’t panic. Simply order my special micro-nutrient health powder which works wonders for your gut. It’s available from my website now at just £98.99 per gram!
