10 British animals and how long you'll feel bad about hitting them in your car

IT’S a sad fact of life that eventually you’ll hit something in your car. But better a small animal than a primary school trip. Here are 10 potential victims and how long you’ll feel bad about each.

Bugs (assorted)

Let’s face it, every time you drive it’s basically a genocide of passing insects. You’ve killed millions in your time, like Pol Pot in a Renault Clio. You haven’t even given it a second thought. Bastard.

Sadness window: 0 minutes


Known as ‘the rats of the sky’. If you clip a pigeon, all you’ll see in your rear view mirror is an explosion of feathers. There are millions more pigeons where that came from, probably even his pigeon wife and kids aren’t sure which one he was.

Sadness window: 5 minutes


Small and nimble, so if you manage to accidentally hit one of these you might be momentarily impressed at your Lewis Hamilton-level driving skills. That will soon be replaced by guilt that someone’s stash of nuts won’t be enjoyed this winter.

Sadness window: 8 minutes 


A truly majestic creature – until you hit it doing 60mph just outside your village. Yes, it ran out from nowhere. But you still feel bad. Or you did once you’d finished considering whether it was unmangled enough to sell to your local gastropub.

Sadness window: 15 minutes 


These nervous little critters don’t stand a chance. In fact, you might not notice you’ve hit one. If you do, you’ll lurch between a deep feeling of guilt at murdering Mrs Tiggywinkle and getting out of your car to check – even though you’re pretty sure it’s impossible – if any of its spikes have punctured your tyres.

Sadness window: 20 minutes 


Nocturnal by nature. If you hit one of these, chances are you’ve had 12 pints in a rural pub and decided to risk the drive home. They’re pretty substantial creatures, so for a moment you’ll be certain you’ve knocked over Roger the local pisshead. Your sadness will soon evaporate when you see the dent it put in your passenger side door. That won’t be cheap to fix, and it’s unlikely the badger was insured.

Sadness window: 45 minutes or however long it takes the AA to arrive 


This is where cuteness becomes a factor. Providing the bunny you hit hadn’t turned into a zombie from myxomatosis, there’s a good chance it was utterly adorable. Until you smeared it all over a B-road. The gruesomely splattered corpse is bad enough, involuntarily hearing Art Garfunkel singing Bright Eyes will have you blubbing uncontrollably.

Sadness window: Well over an hour


A black cat crossing your path is meant to bring you good luck. The same can’t be said about running it over, either for you or Sheba. You’ll be picking fur out of your wheel arch for weeks. You might be able to convince yourself cats are so clever it must have been suicide. It’s more likely you’ll live in irrational fear of being ‘found out’ for the murder and go right off Alfred Hitchcock films.

Sadness window: A couple of days 


There’s nothing more terrifying than a loose dog running onto a dual carriageway. With the possible exception of that dog being a horse. Or a confused pensioner in a mobility scooter. With this one it comes down to breed. You might recover from hitting an awful, yappy Scottie dog within a year or two, but the sight of a lovely, friendly golden retriever bounding joyfully into the path of your 4×4 will haunt your dreams forever.

Sadness window: A decade plus 


A magnificent creature who just hopped obligingly through your windscreen on an idyllic country lane. You’re now knee-deep in blood, tendons and gristle. It’s like a horror movie, but one where Bambi destroyed your no claims bonus. And if it’s not Bambi, it might be his mother. Oh God. What have you done? Resist the urge to hand yourself in to the police requesting a life sentence.

Sadness window: Forever

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'Name one Joy Division song!' shouts man at 12-year-old girl wearing band t-shirt

A MIDDLE-AGED Joy Division fan has publicly shamed a pre-teen girl for wearing a t-shirt featuring their iconic 1979 album Unknown Pleasures.

Tom Logan was incensed when he spotted Ellie Shaw looking in the window of Foot Locker in a shopping centre. Immediately sensing that she was bogus and probably fake, the 48-year-old man bravely decided to confront her.

Logan said: “I was astonished to see other shoppers simply pass her by and look the other way. Somebody had to do something.

“I strode up to her and said: ‘Joy Division? Seriously? Unknown Pleasures? Can you name a single track off the album?’

“A true Joy Division fan would have rattled off She’s Lost Control, New Dawn Fades or Shadowplay but instead she just stared at me, confused and frightened. Thank God I was able to expose her ignorance to the world.

“I can’t believe a teenage girl would wear a t-shirt purely as a fashion statement. Is this what Joy Division vocalist Ian Curtis hanged himself for?

“Those are the exact words I said to her.

“What disgusts me most is that after I had the courage to take her on, no fellow shoppers came to my aid. In fact, a few of them looked sympathetic to the girl, the fake plastic fraud.

“It’s a sick world. Ian Curtis is better off out of it.”