How to really f**k people off when you have kids

IF you’re looking to lose a few friends then why not have a child or two? Try these foolproof techniques for pissing off friends and strangers.

Cancel plans at the last minute

Chances are that when you have ‘plans’ one of the kids will develop a raging temperature or puke all over you on the way out. Even if they aren’t sick you’ll say they are if you just can’t be arsed to go out.   

Take three days to reply to a text  

Every text you send now begins with ‘so sorry I thought I’d replied’ and a mention of some tedious kid-related distraction, eg. taking the hamster to the vet. Do this enough times and people will eventually stop bothering to text you at all.  

Hold up traffic 

Fail to notice the lights have turned green because you are arguing with a child about why they couldn’t have gone to the f**king toilet before you left the house. 

Wish your young kids happy birthday on Facebook 

Post long, gushy birthday messages to your three-year-old which he’ll never see because he is definitely not on Facebook. Follow this up with annual back-to-school photos that no one gives a shit about. 

Make your favourite topic of conversation how tired you are 

Whenever anyone asks how you are, use this as an opportunity to tell them how tired you are. No one in the history of humanity has ever given two shits about how tired someone else is, but do it anyway. Add plenty of yawns for extra effect.

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Labour unveils new slogan 'A non-dickhead option is now available'

THE Labour party is hoping to woo voters and force an early election with its new campaign slogan ‘A non-dickhead option is now available’. 

The slogan will be displayed on all Labour party branding to inform voters that for the first time in a decade, they will be able to make an electoral choice that does not involve a total arsehole. 

A Labour spokesman said: “We’re not yet ready to make the argument that Labour is fantastic. Most of the time we don’t even know what our policies are. 

“But we are ready to stand up and say that our leader is not a dickhead, that his shadow cabinet are largely not dickheads, and our most dickheaded MPs will be kept well away from power. 

“Ordinarily that wouldn’t be a strong argument. But when you’re up against Johnson, Cummings, Hancock, Williamson, Patel and Raab, it’s f**king world-beating. 

“We expect the Conservative counterclaim to be, ‘Yes but you used to have a dickhead in charge.’ To which we’ll give the devastating reply, ‘But we don’t now.’”

Voter Nathan Muir said: “They’re saying I can vote for non-dickheads? I don’t believe it. It’s a trick.”