I have totally smashed back-to-school, by an unbearably smug mum

THE start of the school year is a competition and I am winning. Follow my example but do not expect to live up to it:

School uniform

I wouldn’t dream of sending my darling children to school in the perfectly adequate uniform they wore before the holidays. I burnt those vile rags weeks ago. Instead they’re sporting brand new M&S teamed with all the proper logos. We cancelled this year’s family holiday because it clashed with uniform availability dates.

The pencil case

It sickens my daughter that not everyone is following school policy, which clearly dictates every child should have a labelled, transparent plastic pencil case containing plain rulers and pens. Luckily I had these rules saved as a PDF which I promptly shared on the parent’s WhatsApp group. Anyone who does not comply within a week will be removed from the school run lift share.

Secondary school open evenings

My little treasures won’t be moving to secondary school for three years, but I’ve already reserved their place on the Year Six-only open evenings. It was easily done. All I had to do was unearth compromising material about the headteacher’s academy kickbacks then blackmail her. If other mums cared about their kids’ future, they’d do the same.

The back-to-school photo

My back-to-school photos are the benchmark against which all others are measured. Look at the angelic faces of my children, their immaculate uniforms and the massive, well-maintained garden providing a lavish backdrop. Triple-figure Facebook likes, guaranteed. A mawkish comment about how they’re growing up so fast is the finishing touch.

Meeting the teacher

The date’s been in my diary since June. Meeting the kid’s new teacher, judging their appearance and drilling down into their lesson plan is crucial. My feedback that maths lessons should be moved to the start of the day when the children are more alert will be appreciated. I read it on Mumsnet so it must be true.

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Moron has a good feeling about Truss

A Red Wall Tory who was excited about Boris Johnson has a good feeling about Liz Truss, she has confirmed.

Mary Fisher from Hartlepool, who thinks Johnson got Brexit done masterfully and that he made all the right calls during the pandemic, has a gut feeling that Liz Truss will do an even better job.

Fisher said: “Liz has only been in power for two minutes and she’s already showing signs of solving this cost-of-living crisis easily with her vague, costly plan. So I reckon we can rest easy that everything will be smooth sailing from here on out.

“I’m not superstitious, but I feel it in my waters that Liz Truss will go down in history as the best prime minister we’ve ever had. Years from now aspiring prime ministers will mimic her awkward speeches and head-girl-out-of-her-depth attitude in an effort to further their own careers.

“It wouldn’t surprise me if Russian tanks start reversing out of Ukraine after she gives Putin a stern telling off, and I bet she’s got a solution to the climate crisis tucked away for when she needs a boost in the polls. Not that she’ll ever be unpopular.”

Friend Carolyn Ryan said: “Mary would put money on her convictions if she could but her job was scrapped as part of levelling up.”