If anyone else acted like that I'd just call them a dick, admits mother of small child

A WOMAN whose toddler threw his breakfast at the cat is struggling to tell him off in a constructive way.

Francesca Johnson is aware that disciplining children requires being firm, calm and consistent, but admits that sometimes she would like to tell her son Oliver to stop being a dick.

Johnson said: “If one of my friends came to my house and emptied a bag of self-raising flour into the downstairs toilet and then laughed in my face, I’d be like ‘what the fuck are you playing at, you total bellend?’.

“I know he’s just a child and it’s a developmental stage and he’ll grow out of it, but unfortunately my husband is also a total pain in the arse so I do feel like I’m surrounded.”

Oliver added: “It’s not a developmental stage. I’m a dick.”

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Man thinks everyone is genuinely interested in how much water he drinks

A MAN is convinced his newfound commitment to drinking lots of water is genuinely interesting to other people.

Tom Logan chose ‘drinking more water’ as his new year’s resolution, but has since added ‘telling everyone about it’.

Speaking to a stranger on a bus, Logan, who paid £20 for a water bottle, said: “I make sure I have at least five litres a day. It just feels so good to be properly hydrated, do you know what I mean?”

After the stranger moved to a different seat, Logan waited for someone else to sit next to him, then continued: “I don’t take lots of big gulps. The key thing is to take little sips at frequent intervals.

“I have more energy, I’m getting more sleep and my skin feels wonderful.”

Logan also posted a photograph of his water bottle on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram with the caption: “Two litres before lunch! #winning.”

Replying to Logan on Twitter, colleague Emma Bradford said: “Fuck off.”