If I move down any more I'll practically be shagging someone, says man on Tube

A MAN asked to ‘move down’ a packed tube carriage has pointed out there was nowhere for him to go without becoming extremely intimate with other people.

Tom Logan was already tightly wedged against fellow commuters when he was instructed to ‘move down inside the carriage’, which would have been impossible without breaking the law.

Office worker Logan said: “I was already snuggled up against a guy in a pinstripe suit in a moment of closeness that normally only occurs with my girlfriend.

“If I’d moved left I would practically have been embracing the woman next to me, which would have been worse. I suppose I could have sat on the lap of the Polish builder on my right, but he might not have liked that.

“But the bastards keep telling us to do it. Thank god the bearded guy behind me was pretty chilled and didn’t say anything about us touching buttocks for 10 minutes.

“Sure, I could just ram my body against total strangers, but I’m usually late enough for work already without being arrested by the Transport Police.”

A Transport for London spokesman said: “We know people can’t squeeze up any more. We just tell them to do it for a laugh.”

 

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Your guide to dealing with the aftermath of a one-night stand

ONE-NIGHT stands can be tricky. Should you sneak off like a criminal before they wake up or sit down for a full English with their parents? Our handy guide will help.

Remember where you left your clothes

If you decide to sod off without saying goodbye, don’t end up having a 15-minute game of ‘find the pants’. Somehow that’s more embarrassing than shagging a complete stranger who says weird things during sex.

Don’t ask them what their name is

You will probably have forgotten their name the second you necked your seventh Jägerbomb, but they don’t need to know that. Also, calling them ‘mate’ will immediately clear up any confusion that this might be a continuing romance.

Don’t feign interest in them just to be polite

If you never want to see them again, don’t try to salve your guilt by pretending to admire their vast collection of rubbish action movies or commemorative Harry and Meghan thimbles. Instead say ‘Thanks!’ briskly and leg it.

Look for subtle clues that they just want you to fuck off home

Your temporary sex partner might want you to leave immediately rather than hang around all day eating their crisps and poking around their flat. Be receptive to signals such as them looking incredibly pissed off.

Lie about how amazing it was

Friends will demand to hear the salacious details of your steamy romp. If the sex was crap maintain your dignity by describing a particularly hot porn movie instead. It’s also sexier if you don’t mention you’re now totally paranoid about STDs.