Illness, unemployment or reruns of Only Fools and Horses: which worst case scenario are you preparing for?

AS Britain braces itself for the pandemic to continue, fears are growing about just how bad things could get. Here are some worst case scenarios to plan for.

Catching the virus

Statistically, it is likely that the majority of the population will become infected at some point, but thankfully most will remain well enough to tweet tediously about the experience. A good stock of paracetamol should see you through.

Losing your job

Unless you’re retired, a child or someone called Tarquin whose parents gave him a Coutts account and a Dalmatian for his 21st birthday, the prospect of not having a job is understandably concerning. Why not spruce up your CV? You’ve got time, after all.

Seeing no one apart from close family

The initial three weeks was a bad enough prospect, but who knows how long this will go on for? Previously detested colleagues are beginning to feel like your best friends now that seeing them on Zoom is the only way escape your family for 15 minutes.

No holiday this year

Not only are you unable to leave the country, you can’t even leave your home. Trying to get the family enthused about camping in the garden will be a thankless task, and the inevitable comparisons to your usual fortnight in Crete terribly depressing.

Reruns of Only Fools and Horses

With TV production halted due to the virus, the threat is real that broadcasters will be forced to draw on their back catalogue of shows we have all watched too many times already. The highlight of our cultural life for the next 12 months might be Del Boy falling through that bloody bar.

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Priti Patel's guide to not smirking in a crisis

PRITI Patel’s constant smirk and the ongoing national crisis aren’t generally thought to go well together. Here are some ways for the home secretary to try to look more sincere.

Think of someone you really care about, like Margaret Thatcher

Imagine that she’s one of the old folk in the under-resourced care homes right now, instead of people who don’t matter, like the general public or care workers. The smirk will fall away immediately, but probably only briefly.

Hold down the corners of your mouth and wait for a changing wind

Just make sure you only stand in the wind during your daily exercise and stay two metres away from everyone else. This method isn’t scientific and won’t be recommended by experts, but, as your pal Michael Gove says, Britain has had enough of experts.

Wear a mask at all times

Not only will people will think you are taking the coronavirus crisis seriously and doing your bit, but your smirk will be fully covered. If the smirk is likely to reach your eyes, pop a mask over them too. The NHS can’t get hold of masks, but you can because you’re far more important.

Copy people who frown a lot 

The news is full of sad people, so study their facial expressions carefully and practise not looking like you’re perpetually amused by their misfortune. You won’t actually empathise, because your emotions are as cold as a Calippo, but you won’t appear to think this whole situation is a bit of a giggle.

Ask Boris Johnson for help

A stint in hospital helped Boris Johnson look like he was taking this crisis seriously. Ask him for some tips.