Saturday, 11th July 2020

Illness, unemployment or reruns of Only Fools and Horses: which worst case scenario are you preparing for?

AS Britain braces itself for the pandemic to continue, fears are growing about just how bad things could get. Here are some worst case scenarios to plan for.

Catching the virus

Statistically, it is likely that the majority of the population will become infected at some point, but thankfully most will remain well enough to tweet tediously about the experience. A good stock of paracetamol should see you through.

Losing your job

Unless you’re retired, a child or someone called Tarquin whose parents gave him a Coutts account and a Dalmatian for his 21st birthday, the prospect of not having a job is understandably concerning. Why not spruce up your CV? You’ve got time, after all.

Seeing no one apart from close family

The initial three weeks was a bad enough prospect, but who knows how long this will go on for? Previously detested colleagues are beginning to feel like your best friends now that seeing them on Zoom is the only way escape your family for 15 minutes.

No holiday this year

Not only are you unable to leave the country, you can’t even leave your home. Trying to get the family enthused about camping in the garden will be a thankless task, and the inevitable comparisons to your usual fortnight in Crete terribly depressing.

Reruns of Only Fools and Horses

With TV production halted due to the virus, the threat is real that broadcasters will be forced to draw on their back catalogue of shows we have all watched too many times already. The highlight of our cultural life for the next 12 months might be Del Boy falling through that bloody bar.