Tuesday, 11th May 2021

'I'm thriving in lockdown!' and other phrases no one needs to hear right now

WITH 2021 getting off to a miserable start, here are some tone-deaf phrases to use if you want to make the situation even worse.

‘I’m thriving in lockdown!’

Staying cooped up indoors for weeks on end isn’t a competition, but this self-congratulatory phrase makes it sound otherwise. It’s even worse if it’s a total lie and you’re not teaching yourself oil painting and just drinking during the day while watching Homes Under The Hammer

‘Got any New Year’s resolutions?’

In normal times this is a terminally dull thing to say, in 2021 it’s downright insulting. How can you be expected to better yourself when you’re only one gloomy daily briefing away from going back to bed indefinitely? After a few more months of lockdown the only resolutions you’ll be trying to stick to will be things like ‘Have a shower more than once every 10 days’.

‘How’s the exercise going?’

Usually asked by a frustrated gym fanatic who’s now having to burn their excess calories by asking annoying questions. Shut them up by saying you haven’t shared your Strava route on Facebook recently because you’ve injured your knee – not because you sold your running shoes to buy a PlayStation 5.

‘We’re all Leavers now!’

This unwelcome reminder of the other shitshow we’re facing is really just a way to silence Brexit critics. However you can’t silence reality, so if you’re sufficiently pissed off, mention one of the many emerging Brexit problems like food supply disruption in Northern Ireland.

‘When this is all over…’

This was something you could say with a degree of optimism in Lockdown 1. But with every misguided government initiative and Rita Ora party that mythical end point keeps moving further away. Plus it makes it sound like we’re in a war, and situations don’t get much less cheerful than that.