'I'm thriving in lockdown!' and other phrases no one needs to hear right now

WITH 2021 getting off to a miserable start, here are some tone-deaf phrases to use if you want to make the situation even worse.

‘I’m thriving in lockdown!’

Staying cooped up indoors for weeks on end isn’t a competition, but this self-congratulatory phrase makes it sound otherwise. It’s even worse if it’s a total lie and you’re not teaching yourself oil painting and just drinking during the day while watching Homes Under The Hammer

‘Got any New Year’s resolutions?’

In normal times this is a terminally dull thing to say, in 2021 it’s downright insulting. How can you be expected to better yourself when you’re only one gloomy daily briefing away from going back to bed indefinitely? After a few more months of lockdown the only resolutions you’ll be trying to stick to will be things like ‘Have a shower more than once every 10 days’.

‘How’s the exercise going?’

Usually asked by a frustrated gym fanatic who’s now having to burn their excess calories by asking annoying questions. Shut them up by saying you haven’t shared your Strava route on Facebook recently because you’ve injured your knee – not because you sold your running shoes to buy a PlayStation 5.

‘We’re all Leavers now!’

This unwelcome reminder of the other shitshow we’re facing is really just a way to silence Brexit critics. However you can’t silence reality, so if you’re sufficiently pissed off, mention one of the many emerging Brexit problems like food supply disruption in Northern Ireland.

‘When this is all over…’

This was something you could say with a degree of optimism in Lockdown 1. But with every misguided government initiative and Rita Ora party that mythical end point keeps moving further away. Plus it makes it sound like we’re in a war, and situations don’t get much less cheerful than that.

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Do you have a chance with Kim Kardashian? Take our quiz

COULD you be Mr Right for the newly single billionaire businesswoman model? Find out with our quiz.

What is your financial situation?

A) I’m a hugely successful rapper and designer of terrible shoes, so I have a few million bucks kicking around.

B) I earn barely above minimum wage in a dead-end office job I complain about constantly. I found a tenner on the pavement last month if that helps.

How would you rate yourself in the looks department?

A) Put it this way, I think I’m so hot that I can wear any old shit and I’m convinced that I pull it off.

B) Judging by my lack of Tinder matches, I’d say I’m a 2.

Which famous and important people do you know?

A) Myself. Everyone else is insignificant.

B) Owen Jones liked one of my tweets once, does that count?

What would you get Kim for her birthday?

A) Something normal like a towering hologram of her late father which I’ve programmed to say that I’m the most genius man in the whole world.

B) Something thoughtful related to her interests. Maybe a photo of her bum?

What do you think of fame for fame’s sake?

A) There are other kinds of fame?

B) It looks toxic and unhealthy but I still read every pointless article about Love Island nonentities in the Daily Mail.

Mostly As: Sorry, Kim’s already dated someone uncannily similar to you so she’s probably looking for something new. Better luck next time.

Mostly Bs: Congratulations! Your modest lifestyle is exactly the change of pace Kim is probably looking for right now. Play your cards right and you could end up starring in a blurry sex tape.