Inclusive community choir secretly hoping the shit ones will quit

A COMMUNITY choir that welcomes all singing abilities would quite like it if the tuneless ones stopped turning up, it has emerged.

Nikki Hollis, who runs the London-based hobby choir Uplifted!, said: “We’re all about bringing people together, even those who don’t consider themselves to be good at singing.

“To be quite honest those shit ones usually give up after a few weeks anyway, which is probably for the best as they tend to absolutely ruin it.”

Choir member Roy Hobbs said: “I know I’m not a good singer but the choir has really helped build up my confidence and make new friends.

“Weirdly though when I turned up to rehearsal last week the door was locked, almost like it was cancelled except I could hear singing coming from inside.

“Obvious there was some mistake.”

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Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
PrrRRcooOo. RRrooOO. CooOO. There, Prince. THAT is what it sounds like when the doves cry.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
This week you realise you’ve got your TV on too loud when Graham Norton opens the central locking on your car.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
It’s nearly Halloween, a time for parents to dress their kids up as pop culture references the kid couldn’t care less about.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
The atmosphere becomes frosty at your colleague’s retirement do when you start clinging to their leg and beg them to take you with them.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
You love old movies, like The Godfather III. Which is why you’re going to spend the rest of your life alone.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Use your free time this weekend to catch up with some long lost friends. It should only take an hour or so for you to remember why you stopped having anything to do with them.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
On a cold autumn night there’s nothing nicer than curling up on the sofa with a good book. So why spoil things by trying to actually read it?

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
You’ve been a fan of The Saturdays for years so it comes as a surprise on Monday when you learn that they apparently release pop songs.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
The staff at the local nursing home are so friendly and helpful – as soon as a new patient comes in with a few bob they’re on the phone to tell you straight away and leave the back door open.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
The decision to have plastic surgery is an entirely personal one and nobody should feel pressured into it but if you don’t want those coke dealers you owe 100 large to recognise you, I’d seriously consider it.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Today, why not comment on how awful a 45-year-old actress looks while sat at your computer with toast crumbs round your mouth and hair like dumped sofa?

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Due to celestial problems this horoscope will now depart from Aries.