New car as generic as you are

A NEW model of car is as unremarkable as your personality, according to its makers.

CAR001 is a four-door car with the features you would expect from a vehicle that is entirely adequate and sticks to the rules.

A spokesman for Car said: “Everyone is the same really and this car reflects that. It conforms.”

“However it is entirely suitable for driving back and forth to work, and to the shops at weekends. Also it has a stereo, for playing whatever music is popular at the time.

“If you did something crazy and spontaneous with it, like driving it down a load of steps in Italy, it would break. But then that would be stupid.”

Motorist Tom Logan said: “Can’t they at least put a sticker on the back saying ‘Jazz’ or ‘Le Bonbon’?

“Then it would be rebellious and vivacious.”

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Sunderland fans to have memories wiped

SUNDERLAND players have paid to have fans’ memories of their defeat by Southampton surgically deleted.

In some cases the brain was devoted entirely to football

Around 2,500 Sunderland supporters made the treacherous week-long voyage to Southampton to see their side obliterated 8-0.

Sunderland community officer Tom Booker said: “The players thought the least they could do was offer those fans pioneering brain surgery.

“The travelling supporters accepted gratefully. Very few seemed worried about the potential damage to their long-term neural functioning, although some were concerned they might forget that song about Lee Cattermole.

“We considered replacing the memory of the 8-0 loss with a victory of some kind, but doctors told us that the procedure can only do so much.”

Sunderland fan Nathan Muir said: “People keep talking about the Southampton game, but we haven’t even played Southampton.

“Although I do keep having these weird nightmares about a hapless Vito Mannone repeatedly picking the ball out of a net while southerners hoot in derision at me.

“I also seem to have forgotten my name and where I live. But I do know this great song about Lee Cattermole.”