Is your journey really necessary? Take our quiz

FUEL is unavailable across 90 per cent of Britain and every car journey burns more of it. But are the journeys you are making vital or wasteful? 

You start the car. Where are you headed? 

A) To a bridge above the M6 to spot tankers, follow them to filling stations and get the precious petrol before anyone else does
B) To drop the kids at school then work, though there’s only three-eighths of a tank left so I’m worried I won’t last through the weekend

It’s lunchtime. Where do you go? 

A) On a tour of local supermarkets to see if one’s had a delivery, so you can join the queue and get another tenner’s worth in before the panic-buying bastards have it all
B) To pick up a prescription from the far side of town, passing several dry petrol stations on the way, watching the fuel gauge dip below a quarter

How do you plan to spend the evening? 

A) Monitoring social media for any alerts about refilled pumps before going out at 11.45pm to fill a few jerry cans just in case. After all you might want to drive to Inverness tomorrow
B) Taking the kids to swimming lessons while nervously watching the fuel gauge head towards the red line, hoping this nonsense will end soon

Are you going anywhere at the weekend?

A) No. Apart from to get petrol before any other bugger does.
B) Inverness hopefully, for my grandmother’s 100th birthday. She’s not seen any family since Christmas 2019. All depends on whether we can get some petrol.


Mostly As: Your journeys are unnecessary, selfish and are the direct cause of the petrol crisis, but nothing will be done because you are for sure a Tory voter.

Mostly Bs: Your journeys are ordinary, considered and doomed to failure because you haven’t got to grips with the post-Brexit fight-for-fuel mentality. People like you hold Britain back.

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UK immigration policy switches from 'f**k off' to 'come back'

THE UK has stopped aggressively telling non-nationals to f**k off out of it and has started aggressively demanding they come back.

With a shortages of cheap foreign labour posing a threat to things British people like, such as driving cars and Christmas, the government has ordered at least 500,000 non-citizens to return immediately.

Home secretary Priti Patel said: “You were told in no uncertain terms to naff off back to whichever horrible foreign country you came from, and you complied. Good. Now we need you back because no-one here wants to kill chickens.

“They also don’t enjoy picking vegetables, driving HGVs or caring for the elderly because of the hostile environment, shit wages and open loathing of anyone who earns less than £40k a year and didn’t go to a school we’ve heard of.

“We are temporarily in need of you so get back here, do the work and we’re kicking you out on Christmas Eve. Which is better than you filthy mongrels deserve.” 

Slovakian HGV driver Miroslav Varga said: “You think I’m delivering your pigs-in-blankets in return for crapping in laybys and wages that are the arse bollocks? Hmm, let me think.”