MIDDLE class people have asserted their right to feel smug about not having a television despite watching exactly the same shit on computers.
As it was revealed that television ownership in America has fallen for the first time in 20 years, Britain’s middle classes chimed in with a subtle but distinct hint of smugness to announce that they had gotten rid of theirs years ago, actually.
Social worker and mother-of-two Emma Bradford said: “Television is an inherently evil medium and big plasma screens emit invisible tentacles, only visible under UV light, that penetrate your childrens’ eyes and molest their brains to make them want guns fried in batter.
“I know this because I watched a documentary about it on my PowerBook.”
She continued: “Watching iPlayer is however fine because it’s zeitgeisty and you look like you might be doing something clever with video editing software.
“It allows us to be more selective about our viewing material and to pretend we haven’t a clue about crass cultural references like Come Dine With Me, because how would we, we haven’t got a television.
“Part of me does understand that this is not logical, but as ever it has been overruled by the other part that wants strangers to think I’m worth knowing.”
Technology pundit Stephen Malley said: “In an age where you can watch The Only Way Is Essex on anything from a telephone to a genetically-tweaked cyborg horse, not having a television set is no longer enough to absolve you from being scum.
“Your home laptop may have more processing power than all of Cape Canaverel used to, but it’s still really just a telly that irradiates your genitals and stops working every two minutes.”