'Good God! What the hell's that?' shouts Pakistan

PAKISTAN last night pointed at the sky and screamed in a pathetic attempt to distract the world from its nauseatingly transparent guilt.

As Osama Bin Laden was gunned down while giving a sensuous back rub to Pakistan’s head of intelligence, the country said it thought it saw a massive bat.

President Asif Ali Zardari said: “Did you not see it? It was really huge. I think we should all go and look for it immediately

“Or at least talk about it to the exclusion of all other topics.”

After realising that everyone in the world was still looking at him, Mr Zardari then went back to staring intently at his own feet.

Just under 30 seconds later he looked up and added: “Oh sorry, did you say Osama Bin Laden?  I thought you were looking for someone called Ian… Bin Laden.

“If you’d have said ‘Osama’ then I would have immediately pointed you to a large house yards from our nation’s elite military academy and in the same town where rich and powerful Pakistanis take their holidays.

“But, as I say, I was absolutely sure you said ‘Ian’. Oh well, what’s done is done.

“Anyway, where were we? Oh yes – would anyone like to give me billions of dollars in aid? Anyone? Anyone? No? Oh come on, you’re not still in a bad mood about this ‘Ian’ thing are you?”

In America, a delighted Congress rushed through a constitutional amendment allowing US presidents to be born in Kenya if they feel like it, while in some gold-plated hellhole in New York, Donald Trump was shutting his big, fat, stupid, fucking face.



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Vatican accidentally beatifies Ringo

THE Catholic Church last night beatified Ringo Starr by mistake.

The accidental voodoo ceremony now means Yellow Submarine will form a central part of the Roman Catholic Mass and Jesuits must wear the silver jumpsuit modelled by Starr on the cover of his 1974 solo album Goodnight Vienna.

Senior Vatican officials blamed the error on a ‘bureaucratic snafu, probably caused by Windows 7’, but stressed that once you have beatified someone you can’t just take it back.

But Monsignor Alfredo Orsini stressed Ringo was not a saint yet, adding: “We still need a second miracle. The first one being, of course, that Octopus’s Garden doesn’t actually sound that bad.”

The Beatles ‘drummer’ said: “It’s great being the second holiest man alive, after Paul, and I promise that I will only use my superpowers to do good.

“I always thought John was wrong when he said we were bigger than Jesus. All I’ve ever wanted is to be the same as Jesus. Now I am and it’s ace.

“May Ringo be with you.”

The Vatican is bracing itself for a slew of applications for sainthood from former rock stars, with three quarters of ELO already looking to be canonised on the basis they sounded quite like the Beatles.

Orsini added: “We’ll assess each application on a case-by-case basis but I can already tell Supertramp not to bother. Breakfast in America my giddy arse.”

Sainthood expert Nathan Muir said: “Perhaps the second miracle could be that George was a secret kiddy fiddler and that somehow Ringo didn’t know anything about it.”