Johnson and Hunt to form worst ever superhero duo

LONDON’S daredevil mayor and Jeremy Hunt are to team up as the world’s least effective superhero duo, following public demonstrations of their respective superpowers.

Johnson, whose special power was revealed to be ‘hanging suspended’ is to be teamed up with Jeremy Hunt, whose special powers are ‘clinging on to his job’, and ‘hurling large metal bells at innocent bystanders’.

Johnson said: “The combination of my awesome powers of hanging helplessly above things, like some sort of nightmarish Christmas decoration, combined with Jeremy’s ability to hurl heavy bells at people minding their own business, will be unstoppable.

“London needs superheroes – too many honest citizens are scared to go into the city. That’s possibly because I’ve created a sense of paranoid hysteria about travel during the Olympics, but crime could be a factor too.

“Wherever there is strife, wherever there is injustice, Jeremy and I will be there, either dangling helplessly above it, or throwing a large brass bell at somebody near it.

“Names are still an issue. I’m toying with ‘Hanging Johnson’, ‘Suspendo’ or simply ‘The Dangler’.

“Jeremy is just going to go with ‘Bell’, which means he won’t have to change what’s written on his locker at work.”

“I’m as deliriously excited about this as I apparently am about absolutely everything else.”



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England fans asked to not care

ROY Hodgson has asked England supporters to stop being bothered about what happens, in a bid to boost results.

After Team GB coasted into the quarter finals of the Olympic competition without a single supporter even noticing, Hodgson has become convinced there is a causal link between being supported and being absolutely terrible.

Since its seldom-mentioned 1966 World Cup win the national team has become increasingly shambolic. The FA fears that, if the trend continues, by the 2014 tournament in Russia everybody in the country will be rabidly cheering 23 inanimate puddles of flesh.

Hodgson said: “We’ll need the tabloids to fill their back pages with croquet results or something for this to work, but if everyone stops giving a shit I believe we could produce the finest England side in 55 years.

“I’ll certainly do my bit by insisting they continue playing the kind of prosaic bilge that made Liverpool and West Brom so joyless to watch and with Andy Carroll coming to prominence there’s the chance to play the route-one stuff that nobody wants to see.”

Fears had been raised that Team GB would fail in their quarter final against South Korea after Cardiff Stadium sold out, but thanks to LOCOG this translated to half a dozen Mastercard reps slouched in a sea of otherwise empty seats.

If they do progress it’s expected they will meet Brazil in the semi-final, with a win requiring such a intense that organisers may instigate hypnotherapy to wipe out the memory of the existence of football as a sport.

Hodgson said: “It would be the greatest honour of my career if I were to win the World Cup, even if it did mean people asking me whether it was a darts trophy.”