Judging women entirely by their appearance: A foolproof guide

YOU can tell all you need to know about a woman by judging her on her looks. Here Martin Bishop explains why the conclusions you come up with definitely won’t be bullshit.

You’ll know if she’s ‘up for it’

A tight top and some flesh on display means a woman is likely to have sex with you. It’s just weird how they reject my advances 100 per cent of the time and frequently don’t sleep with me or anyone else. I expect I’ve just had a very long run of bad luck and it’s always their time of the month. 

Tattoos mean she’s on benefits

In 2022, tattoos are the preserve of bikers, squaddies and millionaire footballers. If a woman has tats she’s an aggressive benefits scrounger. Okay, Angelina Jolie, Lady Gaga and probably 98 per cent of the women in the UK don’t fit my dole stereotype. But they’re the exceptions who prove the rule, although don’t ask me to explain that. 

All that make-up means she’s promiscuous

Men and a surprising number of women agree that if a woman looks attractive she has too much make-up on, and is probably a bit of a ‘bike’. Just my luck that all the best-looking potential girlfriends sleep around! Although I’d still shag them. Or indeed anyone female. I’m not picky, and that’s fine for a man.

Lesbians always have chunky footwear

Any woman willing to be seen out in public in Dr Martens boots is clearly doing so to display her pride in being a lesbian. Cropped hair is the clincher that she favours supping from the furry cup. And there’s nothing wrong with that. This is a brilliant insight, and not me stating the obvious that certain groups of people often choose certain styles.

Women say ‘She’s too fat for that dress’ so it’s fine

Women love to judge their peers on the basis of their dress sense, and nothing gives them greater satisfaction than delivering a damning verdict like ‘Someone should discreetly tell Gemma she looks fat in that top’. Therefore it’s fine for me to see a larger lady and say witty things like ‘Thar she blows!’ because women who aren’t exactly slim themselves have already made a catty remark.

Never trust a badly-dressed woman with the weather forecast

Weather girls’ outfits are a source of fascination for both sexes. Obviously if she has a top that clashes with her skirt or needs to change her hair stylist, there’s no way she’ll get the weather forecast right. Just be glad you’re not on a trawler in the North Sea where your life may depend on it, and you’re just sitting at home making inane sexist judgements as usual.

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The Guardian reader's guide to why he's exempt from the class war

MICK Lynch has said it’s time the working class acted in their own interests. Here Guardian reader Julian Cook agrees but says class war shouldn’t apply to him.

I’m on your side, comrades

You may do mindless manual labour while I have a responsible job in arts administration, but I’ll be with you manning the barricades. Unless we’ve got a big exhibition by Titian to organise. Then I’ll be too busy to overthrow our oppressors.

We don’t want to get carried away

Class war is good, but we don’t want to start confiscating private property or taking money from merely well-off people like me. I suggest taxing the super-rich like Philip Green, giving more money to nurses and youth clubs, and maybe a nice Olympics ceremony like in 2012. I think that’s more than enough.

Working class people are a bit ‘rough’

Much as I support the class struggle, I can’t help but notice that rude people are frequently of social grades C2, D and E, like the workmen who mocked my folding bicycle. I think people like that should stay oppressed.

We should resolve conflict like sensible adults

With more rail strikes due, the government and unions should sit down round a table and discuss it like sensible grown-ups. Obviously this is totally unrealistic with a determined union leader and a vehemently anti-union government, but saying it makes me feel I’m above petty politics and on a higher intellectual plane. Like Buddha. Yes. I’m like him.

Some middle class people work bloody hard, actually

I may not be chained to a machine in a factory, but at work I’m frequently snowed under with emails and sometimes I go all morning without my cup of Java. So if a mob turns up to take over my detached house, I’ll call the police. I know they’re fascist agents of the state, but we’ve just had a top-of-the-range wood burner installed.

Some of us would be more use in an administrative role

I’ve got several certificates in office administration, so I’d be more use to the revolution doing things like ordering stationery. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not afraid to fight in the class war, just more in spirit than with an actual gun.