Kid thinks local comprehensive will be just like Hogwarts

A BOY about to start secondary school is sure it will be like Hogwarts from the Harry Potter books.

Tom Logan believes his new state school will allow him to make delightful friends like Hermione Granger and have exciting adventures, possibly in secret passages and rooms.

Harry Potter fan Logan, 11, said: “Obviously there won’t be magic like at Hogwarts, but I’m sure the overall experience of going to a large Northern comprehensive will be broadly the same.

“Once we’ve been put into ‘houses’ like Gryffindor and Hufflepuff we’ll all become best friends and start doing things like investigating a ghost on the school grounds.

“There are bound to be a few bad eggs like Draco Malfoy, but I’ll just outwit them or win their respect by being good at Quidditch.”

Headteacher Roy Hobbs said: “Tom will be in class 1BW and should be fine so long as he doesn’t show any enthusiasm for learning.

“He’ll be placed alphabetically next to Shane Lombard who’s actually a very bright lad, even if he chooses to be a disruptive little shit.

“We definitely have plenty of adventures here, though. Last term there was a 30-person fight behind the science block and the police came in riot vans.”

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The Mash guide to telling the celebrities from the dancers on Strictly

AS the new series of Strictly begins, the British public faces the same old problem – which of these people is supposedly famous? 

Is the person extremely bad at dancing? If so they are likely to be a newsreader or other media personality forced into performing by veiled threats from the BBC.

Is the person extremely bad at acting? If so they are likely to be from Hollyoaks.

Is the person extremely good at dancing, but pretending it is hard? If so they are likely to be a pop star whose record label has cut their promotional budget to zero.

Is the person extremely good at dancing, and hauntingly familiar though you cannot put a name to them? If so they are likely to be one of the dancers.

Does the person continually mention how good they are at anything physical, but this is a new challenge? If so they are a former sports star, probably an Olympian but possibly even a ‘cricketer’.

Does everyone treat the person with pity, verging on contempt? If so they either appear in ITV dramas or Holby City. 

Is the person aggressively flirtatious and determined to form a close bond with their older partner, even at the expense of their partner’s marriage? If so they are one of the dancers, close to retirement and looking for an OK! wedding financial bonanza.