Kids sent home from school with whole year's worth of sh*t

CHILDREN are unexpectedly appearing at the school gates with a full year’s worth of books, artwork, homework and all the other crap, parents have confirmed. 

The final week of term has seen teachers loading pupils up with every cardboard dinosaur, wall-mounted English assignment and maths book they have completed since September for parents to take home and lovingly throw away.

Mum-of-two Emma Bradford said: “F**k, I remember making that papier-mache volcano back in autumn half-term. I hated it. Why is it back to haunt me?

“I recognise school budgets are stretched but surely hiring a skip to dump all this b*llocks in could be factored in. Why am I suddenly the binman?

“As if I’m going to spend my summer evenings nostalgically looking over nine months worth of maths’ tests. As if I care.

“Now I’ve got to marshal the kids to the car, never an easy job, while carrying two armfuls of disintegrating models of the water cycle I resented making in the first place. Thanks loads.”

She added: “Teachers, your end-of-term present just got downgraded from prosecco to a chocolate orange. Deal with your own crap next time.”

Six phrases that instantly single you out as an absolute bellend

MET someone who believes ‘gin o’clock!’ is the last word in wit? What a great timesaver to discovering they’re a tedious cock. Watch out for these: 

Holibobs

If a child said ‘holibobs’ it might almost pass as cute, but children don’t say it. They’ve got more dignity. This monstrosity is the preserve of people who view themselves as a cross between Jamie Oliver and the Famous Five rather than just irritating f**kwits.

Brexsh*t

Everyone gets it: Brexit is awful, has been awful, and will always be awful. Please don’t make it worse by using this bum-clenchingly infuriating portmanteau on top of everything else.

Relationship goals

If you’re single and you say this, you’ll probably remain single forever. If you’re a couple and you say this, you’ll probably split up soon. And it serves you all right.

Hump day

Everyone knows what day it is. You’re not uniqely blessed with the ability to count the days in a working week, or to understand that once Wednesday is over there are fewer days left to work than have already been worked. You’re not special.

Sheeple

Used by those who think they are non-conforming original thinkers and believe in conspiracy theories, aliens and that the Queen is a lizard person plotting a global world order with Beyoncé and Henry Kissinger.

Wellness

Do you prioritise your wellness? Do others fail to prioritise your wellness? Does this ultimately mean any more than ‘other people don’t do everything I want them to’?