Holding up traffic best part of tractor driver's day

A TRACTOR driver holding up a long queue of traffic on an A-road has admitted he is absolutely f**king loving it.

Joe Turner pulled his Massey Ferguson 8700S out onto the A53 in Staffordshire, a popular route for avoiding the motorway, just in front of an Audi driver hoping to make quick time to Chester and has been chugging along at 25mph ever since.

He said: “This is the life. An open road too winding to overtake on, a massive tractor that stinks of cowshit, and 28 cars stuck firmly behind me boiling with frustration.

“Eat my hay, motherf**ckers. This cost more than your car and it could flatten it. Look at the size of my tyres and weep.

“What? I’m just trying to do important rural work that puts food on your table, yet I get beeped at, shouted at and given the wanker sign. Keep it coming. I’m lapping it up.

“I was only meant to be going to the next field, 250 yards away. I’m 14 miles away from where I need to be. The drive back is going to be so damn sweet.”

He added: “I’ve got to do a load of stuff with cow’s arses after this. Don’t begrudge me my simple joys.”

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Self-help book really giving woman the confidence to bang on about her problems

A POP psychology book has really helped a woman unburden herself of her trivial, tedious problems to everyone she meets. 

Ever since reading Think Yourself Positive, Emma Bradford has been putting her commonplace worries into perspective by boring people sh*tless with them.

Bradford said: “None of your problems are your own fault and bottling them up causes negative emotional energy. So you owe it to yourself to share them with others.

“For example, at 34 am I too old to change careers? That’s what I asked Lucy at work for 45 minutes over lunch. Not that I’m considering a career change. I just felt I should discuss it.

“Should I be aiming higher in my relationships? I called my parents but they wanted to get off the phone after just an hour and a half. They’ve never been good with emotional stuff.

“The book’s really given me the confidence to address important issues, like whether I should take the plunge and go to the next tier with my Netflix subscription.”

Colleague Martin Bishop said: “It’s really positive that Emma is talking about her life at such length. It’s helped me come to the realisation that I would do anything to avoid her.”