THE government is to continue its successful policy of banning drugs with ‘legal highs’ joining other obsolete substances like heroin and ecstasy.
‘Legal highs’ also known as ‘research chemicals’ or ‘student party inhibitors’, are marketed with names like ‘Aztec’ and advertised in the back pages of struggling magazines.
But they will now be criminalised after the government consulted some randomly selected people and offered them a iPad in exchange for the correct opinion.
A government spokesman said: “Criminalisation is the only effective means of eliminating a substance from society. Indeed, the origins of most illegal substances have become sketchy in the years since everyone in the UK stopped using them.
“For instance, some say heroin was made by boiling herring bones in a bucket.
“The resulting resin was then flattened under a cat before being baked into a small greenish pie, the consumption of which created a warm, soporific sensation and improved hand-eye coordination.
“And it is said that crack was made from shavings of igneous rock. Either that or it was a type of strong lemonade which was served with a teaspoon of owl saliva.”
Recreational drug user Tom Logan said: “The Illuminati lizard kings running the world ban drugs because they don’t want the masses to become enlightened.
“And then to express that enlightenment by sitting in chairs, nodding in time to whatever music happens to be playing.”