Legal highs to join list of long-forgotten banned substances

THE government is to continue its successful policy of banning drugs with ‘legal highs’ joining other obsolete substances like heroin and ecstasy.

‘Legal highs’ also known as ‘research chemicals’ or ‘student party inhibitors’, are marketed with names like ‘Aztec’ and advertised in the back pages of struggling magazines.

But they will now be criminalised after the government consulted some randomly selected people and offered them a iPad in exchange for the correct opinion.

A government spokesman said: “Criminalisation is the only effective means of eliminating a substance from society. Indeed, the origins of most illegal substances have become sketchy in the years since everyone in the UK stopped using them.

“For instance, some say heroin was made by boiling herring bones in a bucket.

“The resulting resin was then flattened under a cat before being baked into a small greenish pie, the consumption of which created a warm, soporific sensation and improved hand-eye coordination.

“And it is said that crack was made from shavings of igneous rock. Either that or it was a type of strong lemonade which was served with a teaspoon of owl saliva.”

Recreational drug user Tom Logan said: “The Illuminati lizard kings running the world ban drugs because they don’t want the masses to become enlightened.

“And then to express that enlightenment by sitting in chairs, nodding in time to whatever music happens to be playing.”


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Euro deal after Merkel feels a bit 'Hitlery'

EUROZONE leaders have agreed a landmark deal to save the single currency after the German chancellor said she was feeling a bit ‘Fourth Reichy’.

Angela Merkel warned that without a trillion euro bail-out fund she might wake up one morning with a little moustache and an insatiable appetite for conquest.

Arriving at the Brussels summit last night, she stood behind Polish prime minister Donald Tusk, pointing at him with one index finger while drawing the other across her neck and sticking out her tongue in a way that was both playful and utterly terrifying.

She then pointed at French president Nicolas Sarkozy, threw her hands in the air and pretended to run away.

A Downing Street source said: “She greeted the prime minister warmly but then leaned in and whispered, ‘you’re no Churchill and this time we won’t fuck it up, Tommy’.

“He peed himself a little bit.”

International bankers, who had been reluctant to take a 50% ‘haircut’ on their exposure to Greek debt changed their negotiating stance after Frau Merkel pointed out that Goldman Sachs sounded ‘a tad Semitic’.

She then stressed they could take a 50% haircut or have their actual heads completely shaved.

A Goldman Sachs spokesman said: “It’s only money.”

Julian Cook, professor of stomach-churning brinkmanship at Roehampton University, said: “I hadn’t realised Europe was heading for war before the Euro was introduced. Perhaps I was asleep.

“And you’d think that at the time someone would have said ‘if the failure of this thing could lead to war, then maybe it’s not such a good idea, given that we are, after all, politicians’.

“Nevertheless, when a German leader starts feeling Hitlery, you do tend to sit up straight and pay attention.

“And isn’t nice to know that we’re not the only country in Europe being governed by scaremongering arseholes?”