Liking mornings linked to being stupid

PEOPLE who are upbeat in the morning have extremely low intelligence, it has been confirmed.

Researchers at the Institute for Studies found that self-styled ‘morning people’ have IQ levels below that of most people and even some animals.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “People who jump eagerly out of bed to begin their ‘morning rituals’ have the simplistic upbeat mentality that comes from a general lack of awareness. Labradors are also like that.

“Their only evolutionary purpose is to clatter around in the kitchen making smoothies, annoying the more intelligent humans so much that they are forced to crawl grudgingly out of bed and start doing the things that are truly necessary to society.

“‘Morning people’ love poor quality cheerful art like ‘beach grooves’ compilation CDs and films about street dancers succeeding against the odds. They’re nice. They just aren’t very bright.”

27-year-old Mary Fisher said: “The final part of my morning routine is to take my husband a slightly cold cup of tea whilst singing a romantic song from a Disney film.

“He opens one eye and silently mouths the words ‘I love you’. Or it could be ‘fuck off’, I’m not sure.”

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No more sex if we leave EU, warns Osborne

LEAVING the EU will prevent Britons from ever having sex again, George Osborne has warned.

The chancellor says his own research proves Brexit will make everyone so worried about the economy they will completely lose interest in sexual intercourse.

Osborne said: “The economic uncertainty will be so stressful that all British men will immediately become impotent. The effect will be permanent.

“Women will find it impossible to get in the mood because they’ll be worrying about renegotiating trade tariffs. Also the French will have cut off our supply of sexy lingerie so they’ll all have to wear massive Primark pants.

“In any case the economy will be in such trouble you won’t be able to afford food, so you’ll be too weak for anything except very light petting.”

Eleanor Shaw, from Swindon, said: “What about bawdy sex jokes, like laughing at carrots that look like penises, especially when arranged with two tomatoes.

“Surely nothing can take that away from us?”