Beyonce announces collaboration with Greggs

BEYONCE is working with Greggs on a range of pasties designed to empower women of all shapes and pasty-eating abilities.

The Bey-ked Goods: The Dream pasty range includes The Porkylicious, with BBQ pork and pineapple, and Single Lady, a vegetarian option containing viscous sludge and peas.

A Greggs spokesman said: “Beyonce came to us with a very clear vision and worked closely with us to create the greasiest pastry ever seen in our stores. 

“These pasties and pies are for active, confident women who want to chomp down on some all-butter pastry on-the-go. They’re badasses who aren’t afraid to arrive at a high stakes business meeting with some pie grease on their trousers or crumbs in their hair.”

Beyonce said: “When I was growing up, my father would wake me up every morning with a tray of pasties.

“The pasties became a state of mind. The pasties gave me my strength. The pasties are what made me who I am.

“Sometimes I rub a Steak Bake on my face instead of applying foundation, it gives me a natural oily glow.”

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Gallery visit sparks lifelong hatred of culture

A TEENAGER has vowed to shun anything of artistic value for the rest of his life.

After a trip to the National Gallery yesterday which he claimed lasted 17 hours, 13-year-old Nathan Muir will dedicate his life to unrelenting philistinism.

Muir said: “I could hear mum whispering to dad that it was important for me to be exposed to art at an early age, little realising I was already planning my career in finance as revenge.

“I made a point of saying ‘wow, that’s incredible’ at one point but that was when I saw the profit they were making in the café on a can of coke.”

Muir’s parents were encouraged by his Lego-building abilities at an early age without realising their six-year-old son was attempting to build a replica of Price Waterhouse Cooper’s head office in London.

Muir added: “If they drag my arse to the ballet, I’m going to become an Ellie Goulding fan to teach them a lesson.”