Local dog named chairman of Neighbourhood Watch

A BORDER terrier has been chosen to head up a street’s Neighbourhood Watch committee.

Five-year-old Toby was chosen against his human rivals after running a ‘highly professional campaign’ and because nobody else wanted to do it.

Local resident Martin Bishop said: “I am pretty obsessive about monitoring the activities of hooded youths who come within eight feet of my car, but I can’t be arsed worrying about other people’s stuff

“Meanwhile, Toby is not only more organised and diligent, he’s excellent at chairing the meetings.”

Toby said: “I use a spreadsheet system combined with a serious of message alerts to ensure the street is always covered. When it comes to chairing meetings the key is to give everyone a say while displaying calm authority.

“But ultimately the big difference is that as a dog I have a genuine sense of community and shared responsibility, unlike these self-absorbed pricks.”

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Man keeping all the plastic tubs from Indian takeaways but won't say why

NO-ONE is quite sure what a middle-aged man plans to do with the dozens of plastic tubs he has been saving from Indian takeaways.

Norman Steele has kept every piece of Indian takeaway related plastic since 2006 without ever explaining why.

Steele’s son, Brian, said: “I’d like to think he just doesn’t want to see them go to a landfill. But he did once say to me that, ‘global warming sounds like a load of old piss’. So I don’t think that’s the reason.

“Does he have tens of thousands of spare buttons that he is sorting by size and colour? Or is he using them to store lots of other, much smaller tubs?”

Steele’s daughter, Jenny, added: “I can see him taking them to a car boot sale and then getting incredibly angry when someone offers him 50p for the lot.

“Either that or I’ll turn on Dragon’s Den one day and see him stood there saying, ‘I want £100k for 10 percent of my second hand Tupperware business’.”

Norman Steele said: “Of course I’ve got a plan for them.”