Mum receives handprint-based Mother’s Day card for seventh year running

A MOTHER-OF-TWO has received her seventh Mother’s Day card in a row based on the theme of  ‘handprints’. 

Emma Bradford was given the laminated card by her five year-old daughter and will feel obliged to file it with the cards she has been receiving since 2011 when her son was first attending nursery.

She said: “Handprints. Again.

“I get it when they’re nine months old and they can’t roll over on their own, but this is just lazy bullshit.

“It’s depressing imagining them all lined up, the teacher pressing the hand into the paint then slapping it on the paper like they’re suspects at a police station.

“I’ve already got their filthy handprints on the TV, up the walls, on the patio doors and on every other shiny surface in the house.

“But thanks to lamination, they’re preserved forever. Spiffing.”

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Reverse psychology fails to work on broken zip

PRETENDING you are not bothered about a zip being stuck on a jacket fails to fix it, research has confirmed.

The Institute of Studies found that, despite working on other things, such as idiot colleagues, reverse psychology failed to work on zips.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “You could try reverse psychology on a zip by saying ‘Oh, that’s just fine. I didn’t want to zip up my coat anyway’ and then give it 10 minutes.

“But we found in all cases that after 10 minutes the zip was still fucked.”

Other things which failed to respond to reverse psychology include satnavs, vegetarian dinner guests and the police.