London a really f**king crowded ghost town

THE city of London is a horrendously overcrowded ghost town, residents have confirmed.

Londoners are shocked to discover that though theatres remain shuttered and tourists are scarce, the capital is still home to nine million people always getting in your face.

Ryan Whittaker of Stepney said: “I keep seeing articles about how London is basically abandoned, but there are still thousands of the f**kers roaming around.

“I can’t move for bastards. People say you’re never more than six feet from a rat in London, but you’re also never more than two feet from some bloke with a beard breathing heavily.

“For a city that’s apparently been left gutted and lifeless by the pandemic there’s a f**k-tonne of people about. Maybe if there was a second, different pandemic at the same time?”

Historian Denys Finch Hatton said: “This has always been the case. During the Blitz, Londoner Jack Bates wrote in his diary ‘If everyone’s in bomb shelters or at war or been evacuated, how am I still queuing 20 minutes for powdered egg?’

“And in Daniel Defoe’s Journal of the Plague Year, he famously wrote: ‘During these times of Bubonic plague where so many have fled and so many hide in their homes, it seems to me there are still a great many souls about.’

“‘I do not speak out of turn when I say I would rather they all f**ked off.’”

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The BBC programmes Brexiters want to see

NEW BBC director general Tim Davie has promised to reflect the views of all audiences, including Brexiters. Leave voter Donna Sheridan runs down her dream line-up: 

Openly Racist EastEnders

I know a few people from the East End and they’re not living in racial harmony with all colours and creeds, believe you me. Focus on the indigenous Cockneys and spend entire episodes focusing on their vision of Britain’s future. White.

Proper Comedy

I’m sick of having liberal propaganda rammed down my throat by satirical shows I don’t watch. Let’s have some proper comedy instead, like The Two Ronnies. I haven’t seen it since I was four, but they never had a go at Brexit so it must be non-stop f**king hilarious.

The 10 O’Clock Brexit

The BBC needs to end bias by being 110 per cent behind Brexit. I know they’re not outwardly critical of Brexit, but you can tell by the tone of voice. And why is a foreigner like Huw Edwards reading the news when Nigel Farage could do it? He’s available.

A detective show that isn’t politically correct

I like Luther, but does he always have to be black? I think the crimes are a bit boring as well – it’s always serial killers when he could be investigating something vital like Syrian asylum seekers who claim to be 16 when they’re actually 19.

Royal weddings

There should be a Royal wedding every Saturday. No ifs, ands or buts. It’s what the country wants.

The Brexitubbies

Why should little ones miss out on Brexit? The Teletubbies could endlessly repeat baby words like ‘sovwinty’, much like grown-up Brexiters. And f**k that gay handbag bollocks.

Every Night is the Proms

Every night the BBC should celebrate Britain with brilliant tunes like Rule Britannia, Land of Hope and Glory, No Surrender to the IRA and the Archers theme. I wouldn’t watch it because I hate all that classical shit but it should be on anyway.