Wednesday, 30th September 2020

London a really f**king crowded ghost town

THE city of London is a horrendously overcrowded ghost town, residents have confirmed.

Londoners are shocked to discover that though theatres remain shuttered and tourists are scarce, the capital is still home to nine million people always getting in your face.

Ryan Whittaker of Stepney said: “I keep seeing articles about how London is basically abandoned, but there are still thousands of the f**kers roaming around.

“I can’t move for bastards. People say you’re never more than six feet from a rat in London, but you’re also never more than two feet from some bloke with a beard breathing heavily.

“For a city that’s apparently been left gutted and lifeless by the pandemic there’s a f**k-tonne of people about. Maybe if there was a second, different pandemic at the same time?”

Historian Denys Finch Hatton said: “This has always been the case. During the Blitz, Londoner Jack Bates wrote in his diary ‘If everyone’s in bomb shelters or at war or been evacuated, how am I still queuing 20 minutes for powdered egg?’

“And in Daniel Defoe’s Journal of the Plague Year, he famously wrote: ‘During these times of Bubonic plague where so many have fled and so many hide in their homes, it seems to me there are still a great many souls about.’

“‘I do not speak out of turn when I say I would rather they all f**ked off.’”