London property market based on people pretending grim places are great

A SHIT flat in London now costs £500,000 thanks to widespread delusion about whether a property is really depressing.

Property prices in the capital are rocketing as people behave like a structurally unsound ex-council flat in a post-industrial wasteland is a spectacular place to live.

34-year-old Emma Bradford said: “I feel great about paying over £500k for a flat with no windows because it is quite near a Zone 12 train station, at least if I walk via the underpass – a journey with an impressive 34% survival rate.

“A cynical person could draw attention to the way some of the inner walls are made of cardboard but there are huge pluses like a bagel shop.”

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “Buying a place in London is a bit like organising a wedding – everything is absurdly expensive and not what you really want, but you just have to suck it up because it’s all so bloody brilliant.”

Account executive Julian Cook said: “When I visited a friend in Leicester last month, which of course is an absolute joke of a city, I couldn’t help noticing their house had quite a lot of rooms in it.

“But how would I live without all the art galleries I never visit, my four-hour daily commute, being groped on the Tube, black snot, getting mugged for my iPhone, and my upstairs neighbour’s regular all-night dubstep sessions?

“Hey wait –  am I getting totally and utterly fucked over? Because my London estate agent seemed like a really great, honest guy.”

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Britain’s top aggro destinations revealed

A TOURISM body has produced a list of Britain’s best destinations for aggressive, anti-social behaviour.

After releasing a picnic spot guide, Visit England has listed places in which to fight, goad animals or loudly tell your children to get fucked.

A spokesman said: “Our new list is a must for anyone wanting a completely dysfunctional day out. Britain is full of wonderful places to vandalise and friendly locals to intimidate.

“Unsurprisingly, Blackpool scored highly, thanks to its fantastic array of pubs where you can get into a fight at any time of the day. And of course there’s the beach if you fancy an invigorating piss in the sea.

“For those preferring the countryside, we’d recommend places like Avebury, with its fascinating collection of standing stones you can attempt to push over, or just draw cocks on.”

The list also contains family-friendly destinations such as isolated car parks where children could hang around aimlessly and damage cars with a football.

“And if you’re into dogging, Brentwood in Essex is perfect for people who like to watch men having sex with women who also look like men.”

Visit England is also compiling a guide to anti-social activity holidays, such as kicking down dry stone walls that Guardian readers have just rebuilt.