London property market based on people pretending grim places are great

A SHIT flat in London now costs £500,000 thanks to widespread delusion about whether a property is really depressing.

Property prices in the capital are rocketing as people behave like a structurally unsound ex-council flat in a post-industrial wasteland is a spectacular place to live.

34-year-old Emma Bradford said: “I feel great about paying over £500k for a flat with no windows because it is quite near a Zone 12 train station, at least if I walk via the underpass – a journey with an impressive 34% survival rate.

“A cynical person could draw attention to the way some of the inner walls are made of cardboard but there are huge pluses like a bagel shop.”

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “Buying a place in London is a bit like organising a wedding – everything is absurdly expensive and not what you really want, but you just have to suck it up because it’s all so bloody brilliant.”

Account executive Julian Cook said: “When I visited a friend in Leicester last month, which of course is an absolute joke of a city, I couldn’t help noticing their house had quite a lot of rooms in it.

“But how would I live without all the art galleries I never visit, my four-hour daily commute, being groped on the Tube, black snot, getting mugged for my iPhone, and my upstairs neighbour’s regular all-night dubstep sessions?

“Hey wait –  am I getting totally and utterly fucked over? Because my London estate agent seemed like a really great, honest guy.”