London to adopt one in, one out policy

LONDON will only be able to let people in again once someone has left, officials have warned.

Bouncers are patrolling the edges of the city where a crowd has formed behind railings, letting one person in for each person that leaves. However, groups have been warned that they are highly unlikely to all get into London at the same time.

Mayor Boris Johnson said: “We’re looking into ways that we can expand the city, maybe by building another London just above the existing one, connected by ladders.

“But for the time being we can only ask that people are patient. Quite a lot of people have already been in London for ages and look like they might leave soon.”

If London’s population continues to grow at the current rate, it is estimated that by 2020 everyone would have to stay standing at all times in order for everyone to fit.

Martin Bishop, from Finsbury Park, said: “I’m worried if I go to Brighton for the day I’ll never get back in.”

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IDS unveils sinister island theme park

IAIN Duncan Smith has invited the first visitors to the island theme park based on his vision of the perfect society.

The man-made island in the Thames estuary features electric fences, rottweilers and machine gun towers to stop people getting in for free.

The work and pension secretary said: “IDS Island is a magical place.

“Every morning at 5am all the disabled people go to work with big smiles on their faces. They know to be happy because otherwise we put triangular wheels on their wheelchairs.

“Everyone has a proper job like breaking rocks and gluing them back together. Or they can work in the punishment centres for people who refuse to participate in rockfare.”

Visitors praised the strong work ethic of IDS Island, although some said the experience was marred by the inescapable smell of roasting meat because 90 percent of the island is fast food outlets.

Tom Logan, a hard-working taxpayer, said: “Some aspects did seem a bit pointless. Is ‘dog puncher’ a real job?”