Man celebrates 30th birthday by abandoning dreams

A MAN has celebrated the end of his twenties by accepting that none of his childhood ambitions will ever come to pass.

Martin Bishop had hoped to become a professional tennis player but this is now officially in the past.

Instead, he is going to make the best of working in an insurance call centre, hopefully becoming a supervisor and perhaps working his way up to regional services manager by the age of 40.

Bishop said: “It’s not as fun as my 18th birthday, when my parents gave me a car.

“Actually I sold that car last year to pay for more tennis lessons, which on reflection was pointless.

“It could be worse. I’d rather not have a tennis career at all than have to put up with the kind of hassle that Tim Henman went through. He probably wishes he had been a claims analyst.

He added: “Yes, it could be a lot, lot worse. I’m healthy, that’s the main thing.

“Yes it is.”

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High-earning houses ban humans from living in them

HOUSES are now worth so much they do not want people living in them and lowering their tone, they have announced.

With property prices at another record high, most houses now have a much higher socio-economic status than the people who want to live in them.

Three-bedroomed semi Donna Sheridan said: “I’m worth £1.4 million, so I don’t want a load of apes stinking the place out with their heated food meals while they sit around that screen thing. And I’m definitely past allowing anyone to have sex in me.

“Thanks to the housing bubble I earn more in a year than a dentist, so I can easily pay all the bills myself without a bunch of carbon-based organisms doing disgusting things in my toilet.

“If anyone wanted to move in they’d have to be a better class of person. Someone like Fiona Bruce would be okay, although she can forget it if she’s got a dog.”

Britain’s most desirable properties have now entered the ranks of the super-rich, with a luxury townhouse in Knightsbridge currently rumoured to be dating Pippa Middleton.

Converted Cheshire farmhouse Tom Logan said: “It’s just not practical for people to live in a wealthy house like me because I’m out partying with models all the time or flying my private plane.

“I’m the breadwinner around here so it’s only fair that I should make the rules. I call it ‘house power’.”