It’s you or us, say giraffes

GIRAFFES have confirmed that they are fuelled by hate and plan to exterminate the human race.

Following controversial claims by big game hunters about the danger they pose, giraffes admitted that they are currently on a war footing with humanity.

Giraffe Wayne Hayes said: “When I’m munching leaves I have only one thing on my mind – murder.

“It’s obvious that the tallest species should be the most dominant, yet by some evolutionary quirk we ended up being stuck with cloven hooves which are useless for holding guns.

“However after many hours of delicately kicking at small volatile components we have built a nuclear weapon. Now it is too late for the hunters to stop us.”

Many of history’s most notorious serial killers have now been confirmed as giraffes.

Criminologist Nikki Hollis said: “Contemporaneous reports of Jack the Ripper consistently describe him as around 22 feet fall with a leg in each corner of his torso and a camel-like head.

“At the time nobody thought a herbivore would want to kill prostitutes, we believed their main thing was eating enough plant matter to maintain their body weight. How wrong we were.

“Apparently giraffe is Latin for lanky death bringer.”

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Man visits place where all the news is from

A LINCOLN man has visited London to see the locations where all his favourite news bulletins are shot.

Surveyor Nathan Muir, who never misses an episode of the news, was delighted by his first visit to the exotic location where it all actually happens.

He said: “I looked in an estate agents’ window and there’s this housing crisis I’d read so much about, plain to see.

“And when I bought a coffee, it was from a real economically oppressed young person like I keep seeing on the television.

“I had hoped to be here for a tube strike, which sadly don’t manage to affect us over in the Fens, but was just a little bit too early.

“It is amazing, though, to read an article about mindfulness and think ‘This is actually taking place within a few miles of where I am.’ So different to home.”

Muir toured a few of the locations regularly seen in the news, including Downing Street, the Houses of Parliament and Southwark Crown Court, where former celebrities are regularly tried.

He added: “Though I must say I don’t see why their weather gets such massive coverage. It’s no different to ours.

“And I didn’t manage to get a selfie with someone eating quinoa, because apparently it’s just a media myth.”