Man from Leeds doesn't know everyone from Leeds

A MAN from Leeds has been forced to explain he does not know every one of the city’s 766,000 residents personally. 

Tom Booker, who grew up in Leeds suburb Headingley, disappointed Brighton party guests by not being acquainted with the four people they know from the UK’s third most populous city.

Helen Archer said: “He says he’s from Leeds but he doesn’t know my friend Mary who’s from Leeds. That seems suspicious to me.

“He hasn’t met her, he hasn’t met her boyfriend, he didn’t go to school with any of the Kaiser Chiefs and he can’t name a single Emmerdale character. Yeah. Your accent’s fake mate.”

Booker said: “People seemed genuinely offended that, after descriptions like ‘Laura who likes cats’ or ‘Dave with ginger hair, he’s a massive Leeds fan’ I didn’t immediately say ‘Of course!’

“They pissed me off so much that when they mentioned ‘Fat Steve’ I was like ‘Who? I’ve no idea who you’re talking about.’

“Which is ridiculous. I mean, everyone knows Fat Steve.”

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Britain to get absolutely everything it wants from Brexit negotiations

THE UK can get free access to the single market without any concessions on freedom of movement, according to a man with no idea what ‘negotiating’ means.

Warehouse operative Nathan Muir believes that if British representatives tell the EU that they mean business and refuse to back down they will get every single thing they want without surrendering anything.

He continued: “It’s all about attitude. If we walk in saying ‘I’ll trade this for this,’ or ‘We may agree some compromises’ they’ll make mincemeat out of us.

“But go in there British and proud, tell them ‘Full access to the single market, no immigration, and we keep all our subsidies or I’m out that door’ and they’ll cave like the continental cowards they are.

“Though obviously we do need to meet in the middle on freedom of movement. They can’t come here but I still go wherever I want. That seems fair.”

Friend Stephen Malley said: “I remember when Nathan went to negotiate himself a pay rise. They cut his hours and moved him to nights.”