Man grows handlebar moustache to rule himself out of gene pool

A MAN has grown a twirly handlebar moustache to rule himself out of the gene pool.

Joseph Turner has never wanted children, so has decided to grow the offending facial hair as a form of contraception.

Turner said: “It scares off all the women, which is brilliant. Sadly it also means I’m very lonely, but that’s better than being woken up by screaming kids for 18 years.”

He added: “Whenever I regret my decision, I just think of having to watch endless reruns of My Little Pony.”

Local barber Nathan Muir said: “I’ve told Joseph that men in Shoreditch are on the cusp of making handlebar moustaches desirable, so have advised him to comb some scrambled egg through his ‘tache to be on the safe side.”

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Woman describes anyone different to her as being 'on the spectrum'

A WOMAN with no understanding of mental disorders has taken to describing anyone different to her as being ‘on the spectrum’.

Donna Sheridan said: “My family and colleagues all say that they just have their idiosyncrasies. But if you ask me, it’s a sign that they’re, you know…

“One of my coworkers buys the same lunch every single day. She says that’s because it’s the best meal deal on offer and if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. But when I told her she should bring in leftover dinner from the night before like I do she got a bit grouchy, so I reckon she’s one of ‘them’.

“She’s also a whizz at Sudoku, which is a dead giveaway.”

Colleague Nikki Hollis said: “Whenever you ask Donna what she means she laughs it off and says ‘we all have our moments, don’t we?’ then she starts talking about how she thought she was dyslexic once.”

Sheridan added: “In my experience that makes them feel better.”