Sunday, 7th June 2020

Man grows handlebar moustache to rule himself out of gene pool

A MAN has grown a twirly handlebar moustache to rule himself out of the gene pool.

Joseph Turner has never wanted children, so has decided to grow the offending facial hair as a form of contraception.

Turner said: "It scares off all the women, which is brilliant. Sadly it also means I'm very lonely, but that's better than being woken up by screaming kids for 18 years."

He added: “Whenever I regret my decision, I just think of having to watch endless reruns of My Little Pony.”

Local barber Nathan Muir said: “I’ve told Joseph that men in Shoreditch are on the cusp of making handlebar moustaches desirable, so have advised him to comb some scrambled egg through his ‘tache to be on the safe side.”