How David Cameron sleeps at night

FORMER prime minister David Cameron sleeps in a crypt which contains no reflective surfaces or timepieces.

The politician’s subterranean lair, situated in Chipping Norton, is also said to be free of TVs, radios, tablets, or any device that can receive information from the outside world.

Choosing to manifest himself in human form, David Cameron said: “It might be missing a few home comforts, but I find it easier to get through the days if I don’t think about the past, the present, the future, or myself.”

Reaching for a lever disguised as a flaming wall torch, he added: “Would you like to see how I’ve used copies of my memoir to create a padded lining in my coffin?

“Samantha has been sleeping at her sisters’ for the past three years.”

According to a local farmhand who escaped from the British politician’s larder, there is also an oubliette filled with missing virgins located beneath an Aston Villa rug.