Man in new relationship fakes joy at autumn colours

A BOYFRIEND of two months has expressed fake wonder at how the leaves have changed colour.

28-year-old Stephen Malley pretended to appreciate the beauty of nature while walking in a park with new girlfriend Mary Fisher.

Malley said: “When she paused and said how ‘the tints and hues at this time of year are breath-taking’, I immediately knew it was a test.

“I did a sort of dreamy look and said that it reminded me of a poem I read at school, then took some photos of bushes to put on the internet.

“Hopefully by the spring we might have moved onto the stage in our relationship when I can react to her excitement over lambs and daffodils by shrugging and making a huffing noise.”

Fisher, 29, said: “I have no interest in trees but in the early stages of a relationship men expect you to act like a romantic sap. If you don’t they get scared and run away.”

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Ask Holly: Instagram destroyed my soul

Dear Holly,

Instagram destroyed my soul – like a dark satanic mirror it reflected back the ugliness of my unhealthy self-obsession. I’ve done a Youtube video all about me crying and wearing no make-up but I still feel lost. More worryingly, it turns out I am compelled to mime quotation marks in a very distracting way. Is all hope lost?



Dear Essena,

My granny loves Instagram. She usually just posts photos of random old lady stuff like her friend Joyce falling asleep on a Stannah stairlift, or getting her varicose veins threaded, or buying a nice piece of corned beef in Morrisons. Granny’s friend Margaret died last week and she had a great time taking selfies with the coffin and taking atmospheric #nofilter shots of the prawn vol-au-vents. 

Hope that helps,