Half-and-half football shirts change according to who's winning

NEW half-and-half football shirts switch their colours and design as play goes on so the wearer is always on the winning side.

The shirts begin a game split vertically between two teams, but use nanotechnology to change to the colours and crest of the winning team within .092 seconds of a goal so that the fan never suffers the pain of losing.

Liverpool fan Wayne Hayes said: “I was at the Chelsea-Liverpool with these half-and-halfers and when Ramires scored I leapt up in rage only to find myself in a sea of blue away shirts, all screaming themselves hoarse with joy.

“I had a couple of nips from the flask, convincing myself the shirts had always been blue, until just before the break when Liverpool scored and they changed back.

“By full-time Liverpool had won and I was surrounded by red shirts again, all of them singing about Mourinho being sacked. I no longer trust anything in the world.”

Manufacturer Martin Bishop said: “Now every fan can leave the stadium triumphant and victorious like they’re leaving a West End musical, and for around the same price.”

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New PayPal ad features Richard Dawkins explaining why Father Christmas is a lie

PAYPAL’s seasonal advertising campaign stars Richard Dawkins telling children that Father Christmas is a logical impossibility.

The 90-second ad begins with the eminent scientist wearing a fake white beard and a red robe, explaining that he will not be making deliveries this year, ‘because I, Father Christmas, am a pernicious lie invented to exploit the gullible’.

Addressing the camera directly, Dawkins adds: “It is physically impossible for a plump man to descend a single chimney shaft, let alone 200 million of them in the course of a single night. To suggest that I could betrays a contempt for the basic principles of physics.

“Ho ho ho.”

Removing his beard, he continues: “If you perpetuate this delusion, you are either too stupid to understand logic, or you are happy to condemn another generation to a slavish belief in the supernatural. Which, in my book, makes you a twat.”

The camera then pans back to reveal a room full of children taking down Christmas decorations to a soundtrack of sleigh bells being destroyed with hammers.

A PayPal spokesman said: “Professor Dawkins has kindly donated his fee to a charity that replaces advent calendars with periodic tables.”