Man insists his sprained ankle be included in terrible events of 2016

A MAN has insisted the ankle he sprained last month be listed alongside Prince’s death, Brexit and Trump when discussing the awfulness of 2016. 

Nathan Muir of Leicester maintains the injury has cast a huge shadow over the final months of the year and that it has affected him personally even more than losing David Bowie.

Friend Stephen Malley said: “We were down the pub talking about what a devastating year it’s been and going through all the hope-sapping events when Nathan said ‘And…’ while gesturing to his ankle.

“I said ‘Well, your five-a-side injury hardly compares to the crippling of US democracy,’ and he got really angry and said ‘I’m still on crutches Steve’.

“So when Dave was listing all the stars we’ve lost he said ‘Leonard Cohen, Mohammed Ali, Victoria Wood, and of course Nath’s ankle,’ and Nathan just nodded, like that was the saddest one of all.”

Muir said: “This has been such a devastating year. Brexit’s created deep divisions in our country and it could be February before I’m off ibuprofen.

“Aw fucking hell, some bastard’s scraped my front bumper. Man, fuck 2016.”

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Fourth wise man gave Jesus the gift of Lynx Africa

A NEW gospel suggests that Jesus’s birth was visited by a fourth wise man who gave him a Lynx Africa gift set. 

Theologian Dr Helen Archer found verses on a fragment of lambskin parchment which mention the fourth Magi, named Karsudan, for the first time.

She said: “In translation, it reads ‘And in the time of Herod wise men from the East came to pay homage to the child born King of the Jews.’

“‘Opening their treasure chests, they offered him gold, frankincense and myrrh. And the fourth said I have a gift for when He is older.

“‘For in adolescence even the Lamb of God shall develop bodily odour, and this body spray and shower gel gift set shall make Him smell vaguely spicy as to all other men.’”

Archer added: “This may link with the fragments we have in the Gnostic gospels, which speak of a great king ‘who saw not the rising of the Messiah’s star and consequently left his lands in much haste, vowing to pick something up on the way’.

“And thus the traditions of Christmas began.”