Man lying about not being arsed with Facebook

A MAN who says he has a Facebook account but doesn’t really use it is lying out of his arse.

30-year-old plasterer Martin Bishop told friends in his local pub that he has a Facebook account but he ‘never looks at it’ and ‘will probably end up deleting it’.

He said: “I don’t even know why I’m on it to be honest. Sometimes it’s good for keeping in touch with a couple of old school friends but that’s it really.”

However Bishop’s workmate Tom Booker said: “That’s a goddamn lie. He’s always on it. He’s on it more than teenage girls are on it.

“He was late for work the other day and I looked on his Facebook chat and saw that he’d been active on it at 4.30 in the morning.

“Don’t know how he’ll be chatting to people at 4.30am when he’s deleted his profile, especially as it was with his ex-fiancee who is now married with a kid.”

Booker explained: “Sometimes you get a bit bored in the lonely hours just before dawn and want to say hi to a former girlfriend. But I don’t look at all the holiday pictures on Facebook or rubbish like that, it’s way too much information.

“If I didn’t have even the internet at home it wouldn’t bother me.”

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Cameron secures leftover sandwiches for UK

DAVID Cameron has negotiated a deal allowing Britain to keep any leftover sandwiches from EU meetings, he has announced.

Ministers attending EU discussions will now be allowed to collect uneaten sandwiches, crisps and items of fruit and take them home in a carrier bag for the British public to enjoy.

The prime miniser said: “Our total lack of progress on benefits and sovereignty is more than compensated for by our resounding success with sandwiches.

“Initially they were saying we could just have the tuna ones but I toughed it out and now we’ve got all the remaining flavours including prawns, which are the most expensive ingredient.

“I’ve vowed to keep fighting Britain’s corner in Brussels. Next time I’m going to demand we get a guaranteed share of mini satay chicken skewers, because those always get eaten first.

“Have a cheese and ham one before the pickle makes the bread go soggy.”