Man quits job to give guided tours of his tattoos

A TATTOOED man has found the world so fascinated with his various tattoos that he is to make a living running tours of them. 

Martin Bishop, who has tattoos on 65 per cent of his body, says that strangers are so captivated by his ink they find it impossible to talk about anything else.

He continued: “I usually open the conversation when they stare at my neck tats, then I’ll end up talking them through the chest piece, the arms, the tribute to my granny I made out of that bitch Linda’s name.

“You’ve got culture with all the Bonds, you’ve got history with the various England crests, you’ve got geography with the tribals on my leg from when I was 16.

“Everyone’s always wide-eyed with enjoyment, so I’m jacking in the delivery van and I’m selling tickets. It’s good value. £20 for four hours.”

Friend Nikki Hollis said: “I only have one question. Why?”

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Father’s Day not as important because dads didn't push a human through a relatively small hole

THE average Father’s Day spend is 44 per cent less than Mother’s Day because dads did not suffer between 12 and 72 hours of agony, experts have confirmed. 

Children have explained to their fathers that they only get beer and a shit card while mum gets flowers, a meal out and lavish gifts due to the relative pain involved.

12-year-old Tom Booker said: “Thing is, dad, your cock’s fine, isn’t it?

“It didn’t really have to go through anything. While we still had that poster about pelvic floor exercises on the back of the bathroom door when I was learning to read.

“Mum had stitches, you had a cigar. I don’t think you really deserve to be taken to that air show, do you?

“You did the minimum. Here’s some fudge.”

Mother Anne Booker said: “It’s fair enough. I haven’t been right since.”