Man takes off Monday to spend time with roast leftovers

A MAN has called in sick today so he can properly enjoy the mountain of roast lamb and vegetables in his fridge.

After deliberately forgetting that he was cooking for two people rather than 12, Wayne Hayes and his partner, Emma Bradford, finished a fraction of the food before wrapping it carefully in 34 tinfoil parcels.

Hayes said: “I made bubble & squeak for breakfast, obviously, and now I think I’ll just relax for the rest of the morning on the sofa with a hot mug of gravy and a plate of dipping parsnips.

“I’ve got a load of episodes of Saturday Kitchen recorded so it’ll be nice to curl up in front of those, while marvelling at my ability to make gas.”

Hayes has told his workplace that he cannot make it in today due to an upset stomach, an excuse he insists is factually accurate as he feels his stomach would be traumatised if he did not pop cold lamb into it at regular intervals.

Meanwhile, Bradford has taken a salad into work in a bid to feel less bloated, rejecting Hayes’ suggestion that chopped-up pigs in blankets would make a good topping.

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Ordinary workers unsure whether they’d rather be f**ked over in or out of the EU

ORDINARY workers are torn over whether they would prefer being exploited by corporations inside or outside of the European Union.

Research by the Institute for Studies found a precisely equal referendum split between non-executive workers who will still have to work very hard for barely enough money, regardless of the political context.

Telesales operative Tom Logan said: “While we are part of the EU, I come here every morning, sit in this chair, put on my headphones and grind it out until 6pm apart from lunchtime and some monitored toilet breaks.

“At the end of the week I have barely enough money to pay my rent, while the bosses of the corporation that employs me get on private jets and fly somewhere peaceful to eat lobsters the size of labradors.

“If we vote ‘leave’, pretty much the same thing is going to happen. It’s an exciting time.”

Retail worker Nikki Hollis said: “Last week loads of my friends got laid off because of ’tough trading conditions’ and I found out I wasn’t getting a pension because my boss needs the money for his divorce.

“There’s nothing I can do about any of this because I went to a state school and am not allowed to have hopes and dreams.

“Can’t wait to see what happens on Thursday.”